Why must you hurt us so, Bill?

With David Fincher’s remake/adaptation of Girl With The Dragon Tattoo about to hit our screens, and the rumour mill about an English adaptation of the Old Boy going into overdrive, we thought it was the perfect time to remind everyone of the horrors of Getting The Remake Wrong. There are many, many re-workings that never should have been attempted, but heck we’re all busy, so in the name of convenience we’ve handily we’ve whittled it down to the top 5 we’ll never forgive…

Seems a little dramatic?

The infamous Chelsea Hotel may be closing its doors forever. To make us feel better about the whole thing, we’ve compiled a list of hotels we’d hate to stay in. Movie hotels, obviously. Because this is a film website, or something.

Is this an Oscar bid I smell?

As a rule, sellout films usually contain a colon and/or a number. We’re looking at you, Speed 2: Cruise Control. Yet, the definition of a ‘sellout’ is tricky, because producers are very good at making shit smell like roses, and before you know it you’re on the set of National Treasure: Book of Secrets. When you see a film and think, ‘what the devil is Globey McOscar doing in this?!’ we’ve got the three reasons behind their decision to sell their soul.

If you were one of those people that thought Lost In Translation was just too chock-full of jokes, Somewhere is for you. Fans of Sofia Coppola will probably be won over by this gentle tale of a film star and his slow burning existential crisis, but for the rest of us, its just more of the same self-satisfied, time-munching film-glaze. A few nice moments create the skeleton of a good film, but sadly it’s just never fleshed out enough for us to get a grip on it.