It’s Monday, the Olympics are officially open, public transport is hell on earth between the hours of “all the time” and “even at 3.42am”; taking all that into account, you’ve rung into work sick because women’s beach volleyball kicks off this afternoon and Tom Daley will be in Speedos in HD at some point – who wants to miss that? YOU, that’s who. Because the BFI has nice things for you to look at in the way of Alfred Hitchcock; that’s way better than some poxy diving. We hope Daley wees in the pool, so that they postpone it and you HAVE to go.

While more and more employees of News of the World are set to be detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure, we’ve been making a list of all the people we think should be locked up. Like Rebekah Brooks, these sly foxes have gotten away with it somehow (although unlike Rebekah Brooks, they are all fictional characters in movies). It’s time we put the world to rights and take matters into our own hands – all rise for the court of long-ignored crimes.