Ten characters that should be in prison
Defendant: Scar (The Lion King)
Crime: Treason, one count of attempted murder, one count of first degree murder.
Prosecution: Few of us have forgotten the horror of that fateful day when Scar took Simba down to the gorge and signalled his hyena troop to start a stampede. Not only that, he threw Mufasa into the wildebeest, killing him and taking his throne to begin a reign of tyrany.
Defence: While Scar is definitely guilty, we still don’t really understand why Simba didn’t just run to the side of the gorge. There was, like, a metre of space and plenty of crevices to crawl into, but whatever.
Verdict: Setting a bunch of hyenas on him was a pretty good ironic comeuppance. But we are going one step further and sentencing him to sing ‘It’s a small world’ to zazu for fifty years.
Defendant: Memphis Raines (Gone in Sixty Seconds)
Crime: Dangerous Driving
Prosecution: We can forgive him for actually STEALING the cars, but we won’t tolerate the amount of dangerous driving Memphis Raines, nay, most Nicolas Cage characters, are guilty of. One of these days giant leaps across bridges and weaving through traffic at 100mph is going to end in tears. And not the tears of some gorgeous lady side-kick, just the average Joe trying to get to work in the morning.
Defence: In the case in question, Raymond ‘The Carpenter’ Calitri was trying to kill his brother, and the need for speed was pretty paramount to the whole movie plot.
Verdict: Six-month ban and two weeks of responsible driving classes. As if that will stop him.
Defendant: Mike Wazowski and Sully Sullivan (Monsters, Inc.)
Crime: Harbouring a Fugitive
Prosecution: When Boo wouldn’t go back into her bedroom door, neither Sully or Mike reported it to the proper authority.
Defence: If they had, it would have been a pretty lame movie, and we would never have seen Boo in that adorable monster outfit.
Verdict: Do you know what? We’re going to let them go. After Boo came through the door, all they were trying to do was get her back home, and in the process they made Monsters Inc. a way more viable business model. In fact, we’re going to give them the key to Monstropolis for their sterling work!
Defendant: L. B. Jeffries (Rear Window)
Crime: Invasion of privacy
Prosecution: Sure he ended up solving a murder case, but let’s just consider for a second if Jeff’s suspicions hadn’t turned out to be true? Then he would just be a crazy guy making his neighbour’s life hell with outlandish rumours about a wife who, for all Jeff knew, could have died of natural causes.
Defence: 1) He was only doing it to foil someone else for a crime, 2) he was bored at home in his wheelchair, 3) he did a great job of spying. If it wasn’t for him, Lars Thorwald would still be roaming the streets and killing dogs.
Verdict: Two wrongs don’t make a right. Put him in a glass box for thirty days, see how he likes it.
Defendant: Richard and Françoise (The Beach)
Crime: Public Indecency
Prosecution: It may have been underwater, in a cove, on a deserted island. But when these kids got in on in public it was technically public indecency. We know that what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand, but just think if everyone picks and chooses which laws they will abide by, nothing would ever get done.
Defence: There’s only one defence to this – what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand.
Verdict: Well, you know what they say, what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand. Case dismissed!
Defendant: Vivian Ward (Pretty Woman)
Prosecution: Has no-one remembered that prostitution is actually illegal? Vivian Ward, no matter how classy and smart she turned out to be, was breaking the law. And Julia Roberts is hella annoying so we want her sent down.
Defence: Ignoring the prostitute part, she had more of a moral compass than most nuns.
Verdict: We didn’t catch her in the act, so we have no choice but to let her go. We’re pretty sure she won’t reoffend after shacking up with Richard Gere, but actually, after that gerbil business maybe the relationship won’t last… Out on parole.
Defendant: Human Torch (Fantastic Four)
Prosecution: He has defaced public property on numerous occasions – its been recorded on film. He’s bang to rights, isn’t he?
Defence: Despite his hard man look and terrible arrogance, he has no previous convictions. In fact, judging by the past he will only ever use his powers for good. Despite a few mishaps.
Verdict: He is a superhero, and we do trust him. So we’re letting him off. But if we ever hear the words “flame on” said in vain, we’ll be dousing him in a bucket of ice faster than he can say, well, “flame on”.
Defendant: Professor Sherman Klump (The Nutty Professor)
Crime: Drug production and substance abuse
Prosecution: Tonnes of scientists are fat and in love with hot graduate students. You don’t see THEM coming up with scarily-effective weight loss drugs. No, they just swallow their passion and keep on truckin’.
Defence: Everything he did, he did for love. And that silly Dave Chapelle really upset him in the comedy club, and in front of said hot grad student! So he turned to drugs and became the annoying, loud, badly dressed (but amazingly named) Buddy Love. Maybe we should send him down for that stuff instead.
Verdict: Get him to rehab. And fat camp. And comedy school.
Defendant: The whole cast of Bugsy Malone
Crime: Juvenile Delinquency
Prosecution: Splurge guns, consumption of prohibited alcohol, UNDERAGE consumption of prohibited alcohol, general gangster shenanigans. Bugsy Malone was just one big list of misdemanours.
Defence: Fat Sam slipped us fifty dollars, so we’re tempted to just let boys be boys.
Verdict: Really they are too young to be locked up, but we want them training up our young prisoners to sing and dance at West-end standards, so we’re sending them down anyway. Six months in juvie!
Defendant: Christof (The Truman Show)
Crime: False Imprisonment
Prosecution: He kept Truman Burbank in a weird TV studio dome, messed with his head and disguised it as ‘plot development’, and broadcast every single moment for the sake of entertainment.
Defence: We all know that if The Truman Show was a real show, we would probably watch it.
Verdict: Not only did he commit crimes against Truman, he also made everyone who watched the movie paranoid about hidden cameras in their bedroom. For this heinous crime, we order Christof two years in the Big Brother house. Ha, Channel Five.