omigod omigod omigod. No, we’re just kidding – it looks as shit as all the others.

Hurrah for the bloody goriness that is Guy Fawkes day! A proud, dastardly time indeed in our national history, and a great excuse to give children some fire to mess around with. So considering the film world is usually so ready and willing to hijack our most exciting tales, our question is, where are the films to accompany Bonfire Night?

23 years after his Oscar-winning film Wall Street inspired a generation of high-rollers and corporate raiders, Oliver Stone has reunited with Michael Douglas to bring us the next chapter in the life of legendary greenmailer Gordon Gekko – this time crossing swords with Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan. It’s perfectly adequate when judged on its own merits, but as a follow-up to its extraordinary predecessor it leaves much to be desired.

After mega-arguments with Michael Bay, super-babe Megan Fox has confirmed that she has quit the Transformers series. Apparently Paramount are seeing this as a good thing, as “giving Shia Labeouf a new love interest makes more sense for the story”. Yes. A logical and emotional mature storyline is, after all, the reason we all go and watch Transformers.

So it’s two years since the evil Megatron’s death, and Optimus Prime, the other Autobots and the significantly less exciting humans have been going about their business as usual. What could disturb this harmonious bliss? Why, the discovery of a Transformer so bloomin’ evil he makes Megatron look like a Bosch iron. The Fallen – the lost brother of the Transformers – is preparing for battle on Earth And believe us, his battle is extremely explodey.