What’s that in the card-box box? Is a present? OH GOD OH GOD NO IT’S NOT.

God, things are sexy, aren’t they? So many things that there are, and all of them sexy. Baths, cooking, pithy conversations in a descending elevator – all you need is Anne Hathaway, some improbably witty back and forth with a chiselled titaniMAN, and boom – fruitful flesh-grappling is in the air. Except, of course, that it never is. Not really.