Do you remember that scene in Atonement? The library scene, where Keira Knightley and James McAvoy and The Underside Of Her Dress and His Trouser Fastenings got on like a house (of loins) on fire? Women everywhere promptly forgot all the much more important war scenes, poignant heartbreak and relevant hats, and woke the next morning determined to storm their local book-brothel for a tortured gardener/warrior who also happened to love Downton Abbey. And when they got there, do you know what awaited them?

Films are bastards, is my point.

There are some things that are never going to make that leap from on-screen seducto-force to real-life soul-shaker. It’s better that you know this now, rather than wasting your life waiting for that pirate you captured to stop pissing on the floor and start shivering your timbers. Introducing the top 10 sexy things that films lie to us about. Sexy sexy lies.

#10. Maths

Case In Point: Pi, A Beautiful Mind ,Jurassic Park

The Film Scenario:

A tortured genius. A black marker pen. Tousled hair and pulsing fractions, tumbling over one another on a sweaty window pane. Maths geniuses don’t just live inside their own sexy world of sexy sexy maths, they usually end up cracking the codes to the Pentagon’s Changing Rooms, shouting words like “THERE’S NO TIME” at Ed Harris and getting involved with women who constantly burst into tears cos they Just Can’t Understand Them. When they’re not leaving brackets swinging wide open like some kind of decimal maverick, they’re trying to keep their own genius from exploding out of their ears and all over your naked body. Fucking MATHS.

The Real-Life Scenario:

“Wait, so if YOU had the starter and then main, and they were on the special “Humdinger” offer, and I had the main and dessert, but the offer only covers the drinks I had, then by my calculations you still owe me two pounds thirty eight. Just trying to be accurate here, babe.”

#9. Guns

Case In Point: Every Action Film Ever Made

The Film Scenario:

Everyone knows that a man holding a massive gun is grinning that grin for one reason, and for one reason alone: he’s finally holding a big shooty cylinder that never runs out of juice. You know what I’m sayin. Sure he can pretend that it’s because of the terrorists that – thanks to him – are now more horizontal than a post-coital underscore, but at the end of the day, there’s no such thing as a premature execution. Bullets fly tirelessly, glinting against the glow of the moon/CGI teeth, and everyone in the surrounding area knows that this could go on allllll night long.

The Real-Life Scenario:

Do you have any idea how long it takes for an AK-47 to run out of ammo? Each gun holds 30 rounds. Used as an automatic weapon (the one you imitate by giving your face a work-out) that will last you about 15 seconds. Sounds about right, doesn’t it?

#8. Silence

Case In Point: Pride And Prejudice, Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, Bond (all)

The Film Scenario:

Jesus. Can you hear that silence? That sexy silence, penetrating my ears so damn much I’m almost sure I’m growing a baby in my skull. That’s the silence of Stuff Too Important To Talk About. Be it that mission in N’am that he’s blocked from his mind (but not his biceps), the contempt for small talk that means she’ll wait with eyes of steel for you to burble your wimpy guts out, or the tortured noiselessness of a love that is only kept contained by a thin strap of unspoken pain – nothing speaks to us like a character who has nothing to say. There’s always a reason that the bloke in the corner is the bloke in the corner, and the reason almost always involves you being naked.

The Real-Life Scenario:

“This is Kevin, he loves moths.”

#7. Shopping

Case In Point: Clueless, Pretty Woman, Sex And The City

The Film Scenario:

Usually coming at a point in the film just after the first (aesthetic) emotional upheaval and before the second (significant) emotional upheaval, The Shopping Scene is a celebration of all that is whimsy, all that is glamour, and all that is Brief Glimpses Of Boob. Where every shop stocks a combination of feather boas, pleather boots, false moustaches and Chanel suits, and time ceases to exist – it is a veritable fourth dimensional explosion of female/daddy-daughter/brand-sponsorship bonding. Hurrah!

The Real-Life Scenario

There are fewer sights that strike pure blackness in one’s soul then that of looking down at the changing room floor after flamboyantly trying on four or more items of clothing. A moment on the shoulders, half an hour wrestling with the inexplicably complex hanger.

#6. Conversations

Case In Point: Anything written by Aaron Sorkin

The Film Scenario:

The thing about sexy conversations on film is that not only are they charged with sexy intent, wry asides and cutting observations, they’re almost always also about something else entirely. Nothing more erotic than subtext, my friend, and managing to steer a conversation about the wait at baggage claim round to How You Two Never Quite Got It Together is pure linguistic foreplay. Never a stutter, never a stammer, never that moment where you say “emancipated” when you meant “emaciated” and neither of you said anything even though BOTH of you knew it was wrong so wrong – sexy, smoothy film chats are the stuff that your rampant ears dream of. Richard Curtis – you have a lot to answer for.

The Real-Life Scenario:

“I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her.”
“But, I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl. Asking her to… to, like, just have a bloody minute, alright, you know I’m still trying to sort out my council tax and it’s really stressing me out, so let’s not… Also, I… I, I think Grand Designs is on, isn’t it? Not Grand Designs. The other one. The, erm… the… Countryfile, that’s the one. Is that Kevin Mc…thing? It’s not, is it, it’s that bloke with the cardigans…”

5# Russell Crowe

Case In Point: Any Russell Crowe Films That Aren’t The Crap Russell Crowe Films

The Film Scenario:

The Real-Life Scenario

#4. Sex

Case In Point: Atonement, Bound, films written by Nicholas Sparks

The Film Scenario:

“Kudos on the matching underwear, perfect figure, doe-like expression conveying both a shy reserve and powerful, wolf-like excitement, babe. I’ll set the lights to ‘Lynx Effect’ and we can forget about the contraception. That inexplicable bruise you’ve been worried about? Gone. And guess what, you DID remember to shave your legs after all. Now hold on tight in slow-motion to my exquisite cushions, this is going to last all night. All those things I can’t say because of that pain I have? I’m saying them right now. With my penis.”

The Real-Life Scenario

A real gentleman sleeps on the wet patch.

#3. Being On The Phone

Case In Point: Armageddon, Fight Club, Memento, Any Film With The Army In It

The Film Scenario:

You know what’s for pussies? Opening and closing any conversations, ever. What kind of a moron would open an exchange with a flaccid “hello” when you can bark “TALK TO ME”, “WHAT NOW” or “YOU’VE ALWAYS KNOWN I’M A RENEGADE, CARL”? Sometimes, things are too urgent for pleasantries. In fact, it’s always too urgent for pleasantries. In the time it takes to get through the goddamn pleasantries you might have saved the world, had sex, punched a terrorist in the jowls or done all three ALL AT THE SAME TIME (if you’re Nic Cage). Saying the word “goodbye” at the end of a phone conversation is like ripping the false moustache off the face of your conversation – you were doing so well, but your rugged cover is well and truly blown.

The Real-Life Scenario:

“So… yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Well…”
“I was-”
“What?”
“What?”
“you were going to say-”
“no, I was just thinking I should probably-”
“what?”
“-probably need to get back to-”
“yeah, me too. So-”
“so-”
“Sorry, after you”

and so on and so on until everyone’s dead.

#2. Ghosts

Case In Point: Ghost, The Others, The Sixth Sense, Ghostbusters, Beetlejuice

The Film Scenario:

Why are they here? What message do they have for us? Why is her dress so ragged and conveniently off-the-shoulder, showcasing her pale (sexy sexy bloodlessness) skin? Look at his/her longing, God that’s some sexy longing he/she’s doing. Is he/she longing for the real world, or longing for my blood-filled body? Doesn’t matter. Am I scared? Sort of. Am I turned on? My fear says no, but my sudden nakedness says “is it still penetration if it goes straight through me?”

The Real-Life Scenario:

OH MY GOD IS THAT A CAT OR A GHOST CAT OR GHOST CAT OR GHOST SHIT SHIT it’s a cat.

#1. Bursting Spontaneously Into Song

Case In Point: Hairspray, High School Musical, West Side Story, That Other High School Musical….

The Film Scenario

The Real-Life Scenario

God is dead.