Friday Drinking Game #14 – X-Men
Even if you don’t have a cryokinetic teenager standing by to blow down your bottle (easy now), drinking’s lots of fun. You might think watching X-Men whilst drinking would also be fun and in a way you’d be right, although if you’re anything like us then somewhere around the fourth bottle of wine you’ll abruptly realise that you, poor powerless mortal, represent an evolutionary cul-de-sac from which there can be no meaningful progression. That’s usually about the time we sellotape knives onto our hands to look like Wolverine and then despairingly carve our own legs up like big non-mutant emo twerps. Have fun!
Take one sip:
Whenever Erik gets portentous (old) or overdramatic (young). THE WAR IS OUT THERE, MAN!
Whenever Charles is scholarly in a patronising (old) or lecherous (young) way. You totally, totally would, even if you had to manipulate him from the waist down like a lovely bald puppet.
Whenever Wolverine gets his sass on. He’s such a grump – are we the only people who want to cuddle him?
Take two sips:
Whenever a character from the comics gets a tiny, shitty one second cameo. We’re looking at you, Siryn nameless screamy girl from X2.
Whenever a mutant’s obviously been to the James Bond school of prescient mission prep. Oh, so Charles can stop time as well, can he? How very bloody convenient.
Whenever a title sequence has clearly been borrowed from The Magic School Bus. Flyin’ around in a brain while Patrick Stewart talks about evolution! Mind that synapse!
Take three sips:
Whenever the script has been painfullly Rosa Parks-ified. OH MY GOD MUTANT RIGHTS ARE LIKE CIVIL RIGHTS, YEAH? MARTIN LUTHER XAVIER!
Whenever anyone says anything about being different. Ever. We get it! Deep down they’re all just lonely little Hawthorne Heights fans crying mutant tears into their fringes. Shuttup.
Whenever normal humans are unrealistically twattish to mutants. What’s the deal, it’s just Halle Berry versus a torch-bearing mob? Bryan Singer’s so anti-sapiens it hurts.
Whenever Mystique gets her tits out. Extra drink if, post-First Class, you realise that she’s about seventy but you still fancy her.
CANE IT YOU MUTANT:
Whenever you can’t see the screen through your mask of jealous tears. We’ve all been there, don’t worry. If Hugh Jackman gets a power I want one too!
If you’re feeling particularly hardcore, disregard all of the above and simply drink whenever anyone demonstrates their mutation. Or are you not up to that? Thought not. Probably time to evolve a metahuman liver, although if that takes you a while you can always enjoy one of our tasty themed drinks:
The Cyclops – cup of tea with the spoon left in. Bit of rum if you fancy.
The Mystique – vodka, tequila and blue curaçao with a layer of grenadine and some unsalted crisps on top.
The Wolverine – three quarters of a pint of petrol and Baco Bits, stirred with a steak knife
The Magneto – Guinness with a spinach garnish. Get it?