Ah, Avatar, you bloated and unmemorable heap of shit. You cost $237m to make, did you know that? At current conversion rates and average prices, that’s enough to buy 21,106,628 bottles of Buckfast Tonic Wine, with £4 left over for a pie or something – easily enough to put everyone who’s ever read this site into a hopeless alcoholic coma. Mind you, if James Cameron hadn’t spaffed ten years and a king’s ransom on making you then we’d have nothing to rant at whilst pissed, would we? All’s well that ends well.

Take a sip:

Whenever Sigourney Weaver antagonises the anti-tobacco lobby by lighting up. Drain your drink if someone’s put a cigarette out in it.

Whenever you have to squint and miss the ridiculously opulent surroundings because the 3D is making your eyes hurt. Do a shot of vodka into your eye if it happens more than three times.

Whenever a Na’vi has sex with a pterodactyl/tree/DIREHORSE using its horrible wormy penis plait. Drain your drink and put a cushion on your lap if it gets you going.

Take two sips:

Whenever you start wondering where Gargamel is. Refill and drink again if you accidentally refer to Neytiri as ‘Smurfette’.

Whenever Jake looks a bit mournful because he can’t paint with all the colours of the wind. Drink someone else’s drink if you get tearful at the realisation that you have no fucking idea why the grinning bobcat grins.

Whenever a machine is plagiarised from The Matrix or an animal is plagiarised from Star Wars. Finish the two drinks closest to you if you can’t work out why the giant pterodactyl doesn’t sound like Robin Williams.

CHUG IT YOU WOOFTER:

Whenever a plot device has been transparently lifted from Pocahontas, Dances With Wolves, Ferngully or any other film which insists on flogging the patronising, racist and very definitely dead body of the White Messiah fable.

Whenever you try to swallow some bevery (BEVERY stands for BEVERAGE!) and you realise you can’t because the sickening hypocrisy of the pseudo-hippy anti-imperialist schtick has stuck in your throat.

Whenever you are subjected to a shot which you suspect only made the final cut because seeing it in post-production made James Cameron violently ejaculate.