*For the first time in months (read: since Tash realised that it was quite good fun and took it over), John is once more pulling the OWLstrings due to the big boss’s temporary incapacitation. DVB and SLD should be here any minute to start wrecking her desk…*

John (drunk with power. And sherry.):
This week my Orange is David, because I’m WELL NICHE. Also, it genuinely looks brilliant – long story short, it’s like The Ugly Duckling but with a Muslim kid who pretends to be Jewish so he can make friends and then at some point they find out and all hell breaks loose. Probably no redemptive scene where David (who’s really called Daud, natch) realises he’s a beautiful swan, though. My Lemon goes to American Cheerleader Secrets, for no reason other than that it has the single shittiest trailer in cinema history. End.

Orange Choice: David
Ultimate Lemon: American Cheerleader Secrets

Kayleigh (purveyor of manscara):
Oranges and lemons are an excellent source of Vitamin C, thus making them fabulous weapons against colds, scruvy and the flu. I shall be posting one to Tasha directly. However, no amount of lemon juice will save you from a slow and painful death if you go to see Trespass. Nicolas Cage. Melting face. BURNING DOWN OWN HOUSE! I have no idea why anyone would put themselves through it. On the other hand, I’m now brimming over with festive cheer and will be heading to see Arthur Christmas as soon as I possibly can. Bill Nighy! Animation! FESTIVE FUN! Only a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner would turn their nose up at this amount of Christmas fun…

Orange Choice: Trespass
Ultimate Lemon: Arthur Christmas

*Trespass? Arthur Christmas? Pfft! Jonny spurns such conventional fare…*

Jonny (every month is Movember):
This week I’m going to have to give out the most controversial Orange of all: Hero Hitler in Love. It’s not actually about Hitler (in fact I’m not sure the director really knows who Hitler is) and it otherwise looks like a pretty badass Bollywood action flick. The fact that they all call the hero “Hitler” is really funny for the first 20 minutes, after which you stop noticing and caught up in an Indian kick-fest. Lemon’s got to go to How to Stop Being a Loser, though. I found it unfunny as a film and unhelpful as a guide. A guide I so desperately, desperately need. Seriously, does anyone know how to stop being a loser? I need human contact! If any women are reading this, I can be reached at [redacted. Ed]

Orange Choice: Hero Hitler in Love
Ultimate Lemon: How to Stop Being a Loser

Florence (BA MSc):
You might not know this but I have a thing for serial killers. There’s a man on death row who I send letters to every Thursday. He’s called Stabby Joe. NOT REALLY. He’s called Gary. But I do enjoy films about serial killers, which is why this Orange Wednesday I will be settling down to watch Snowtown. It’s a film which tells the true story (I also love a good true story) of Australia’s most notorious serial killer and I have it on good authority that it’s a very compelling (albeit harrowing) watch. My Lemon unfortunately has to go to The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 because I already sat through it once and shouldn’t be made to again. Do I have to labour this point further? You all know what the film is about. And you all secretly want to give it your Orange (I do a bit as well for reasons unknown to me).

Orange Choice: Snowtown
Ultimate Lemon: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

*Hold up… is Papa Neish about to agree with someone?*

Il Papa (never knowingly underhyperbolised):
This week I would love nothing more than to enjoy a nice juicy orange in a screening of Australian toe-curler Snowtown (the cupholder is not a bin, people), but, not living in London, that’s about as likely as a shark-jumper of a happy ending. Left to split my lemon between The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 and Justice, I have no choice but to side with the movie sparing us another hair-brained turn from Nicolas ‘Which Film Is This Again?’ Cage. Call me selfish, but the more people who see Edward do the unthinkable with Bella’s shrivelled entrails is directly proportional to the number of people with whom I can share my festering trauma.

Orange Choice: Snowtown
Ultimate Lemon: Justice

*Holy smokes! Well, on that melodious chime of concurrence you’d better be off to the cinema. See you next week!*