*Fire ravages the streets outside, people lay screaming or dead or almost-dead, and unsympathetic aliens have, as predicted, launched their devastating attack upon our people. First, they destroyed our resources – our crops, our power stations, our reservoirs. And then, in almighty blow to our planet, they took John Underwood (presumably for probing purposes), crippling Best For Film Towers and leaving them leader-less. Can the team pull together in his absence and kick some serious alien butt? You bet they can…*

Carlotta (convinced ordinary water holds the key to victory):
OH MY ISN’T THERE JUST SO MUCH UNBELIEVABLE BORING TRITE ON IN CINEMAS RIGHT NOW? Bring on the end of this week, next week and the week after for a mixture of RYAN GOSLING, Spring Breakers, Evil Dead and Scary Movie 5. YES, Scary Movie 5. That’s right. You care. As for the fruits of this week’s cinema, I’m going to hurl my lemon at The Host because lol. Essentially Twilight but with aliens, no-one taking their tops off (or do they?) and no-one to really criticise because Saoirse Ronan is actually a decent human. So that’s not fun. Given that I am actually seeing Trance tonight, I will put my orange where my mouth is and squeeze the juicy bits out of James Mac… I mean Trance. I also want to stare at Vincent Cassel in all his frenchiness saying French things that sound really sexy and French. Yesh please.

Orange Choice: Trance
Ultimate Lemon: The Host

Carlotta, why would H20-intolerant aliens attempt to invade a planet that’s 70% water? Honestly! But, as we’re out of reservoirs, we’re grateful you’ve found a sustainable source of fresh water – atta girl! Sarah, you got any bright ideas?

Sarah (trying to build a nuclear missile – from scratch):
Just keep swimming…just keep swimming…Finding Nemo has been given a new lease of life in a third dimension at the cinemas; and it’s not just one for the kids to get into. With a heartbreaking pre-credits sequence to rival that tear-jerking montage in Up; Finding Nemo is one of Pixar’s most original standalone films. It, like The Incredibles and all three Toy Storys, is Pixar at it’s best. On the lemon end of the originality scale is G.I. Joe: Retaliation. A confounding plot, performances that could make the contents of a building site look like The Godfather and a drawn-out third act that is just BOOOOOOORIIIIIIIING; see this at your peril. Retaliation should be shown to criminals as punishment.

Orange Choice: Finding Nemo 3D
Ultimate Lemon: G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Sarah, we’ve told you about nuclear missiles before – only the Avengers can make that shizzle work for them! Alex, please say YOU have a viable plan…?

Alex (100% believes that aliens are allergic to fish):
The only thing to give an Orange to this week is Danny Boyle’s Trance. After all he did for us last summer – single handedly winning every Olympic gold medal for Great Britain – it’s really the least we can do. Plus, y’know, he’s generally pretty great at films, and James McAvoy is always reliable, so it’ll certainly be worth a look.

As for lemons; know what they go great with? Fish.

Finding Nemo is not even that great of a film. It’s decent, sure, but it’s definitely silver league Pixar. Now they’ve rejigged it with fancy 3D, and announced a belated sequel – despite the fact that everyone hates 3D and The Incredibles is a far better film and way more deserving of a sequel. If you’re a Nemo fan, you’ve already seen it thousands of times. If you’ve never seen it; don’t. It’s too late. You’ve missed the boat and you’re too old. Sit down with a nice slab of battered cod instead.

Orange Choice: Trance
Ultimate Lemon: Finding Nemo

Alex, that’s the stupidest thing we’ve ever heard of. Ever. Fish basically ARE aliens. Take this sonic blaster and go guard the main atrium – go on, move! Nina, thoughts?

Nina (has abandoned her post – the traitor):
Last Wednesday I saw Danny Boyle’s new psycholgical thriller Trance. And, you know what? I think I’ll have to pop along to the cinema and see it again tonight! Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t because it’s a completely brilliant film that deserves a second viewing. Rather, it confused the hell out of me to such an extent that I’m desperate to see if it’s really that stupid, or if I’m the stupid one and there’s just something really obvious that I missed. Looks like tonight could be a very revealing evening…

My lemon this week would have to be Stolen. Usually I would thoroughly enjoy watching a Nicolas Cage film, just so I can laugh about how bad it would almost certainly be. However, Stolen is a massive, pointless waste of time, even for old Nic. Do not watch this unless you genuinely enjoy wasting precious time. I want to make a rubbish joke about how Stolen went and STOLE TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE THAT I WILL NEVER GET BACK, but I won’t. Because I do not want to sink to its level. STOLEN, YOU ARE NOT STEALING MY PRIDE AS WELL.

Orange Choice: Trance
Ultimate Lemon: Stolen

That’s all well and good Nina, but what use are you to us if you’re not even here to throw your body in front of a stray laser bullet? Yiesh. Megan, show us how it’s done.

Megan (babbling about how music, played at the right frequency, will cause alien heads to explode):
Great! Just when you think you’ve scraped by the Mayan’s gloom & doom End-of-the-World prophecy, aliens invade with all their big-headed, black-eyed deviancy! If you think you’re going to be one of those plucky lucky survivors that gets away, you’ve got another thing coming. There is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide since cinema this week has turned into alienpalooza. First we’ve got the mind-numbing atrocity that is The Host to battle. Trust me, one watch of this and you will be well and truly dead on the inside. The only people capable of watching this with a straight face are those body-snatcher freaks eloquently calling themselves Twi-hards (twi-hards, try-hards… get it?!). But do not despair, if you’re up for a good old fashioned fight-to-the-death, then Dark Skies (featuring the rarely ever seen Keri Russell) will be right up your alley. Just the trailer gave me the heeby jeebies and that’s exactly how it should be. No namby-pamby, let’s-all-be-friends, Barney crap, but a spine-tingling, blood-curdling, life-threatening invasion that pits you against the best that the universe has to offer. Bring it!

Orange Choice: Dark Skies
Ultimate Lemon: The Host

Oh good grief – we’ve got ONE last shot at this guys. Kayleigh, it’s all on you now…

Kayleigh (thinks human love will melt those alien hearts – literally):
Damn you Megan, you stole my THANG!

I’ve always kept a special place in my heart for Keri Russell following her outstanding performance in Waitress, so I’m definitely heading out to see Dark Skies later. It’s got all the ingredients I need for a sleepless night; unsettling children, dead birds AND inexplicable (but probably alien-based) activity. Yes, it’s probably about as deep as a puddle on an arid summer’s day. Yes, it’s predictable that social services will blame those alien-induced bruises on the parents. And YES, it’s never going to be as astronomically good as ultimate science fiction horror crossover film Alien – but it’s guaranteed mindless entertainment. And mindless, my dears, is something I can very much get on board with. At the other end of the citrus fruit scale, we have The Host; Stephenie Meyer, you ruined vampires – let’s not ruin aliens as well, shall we?

Orange Choice: Dark Skies
Ultimate Lemon: The Host

Love? HUMAN LOV£?! Kayleigh, you’re an absolute fu… wait a moment. Wait an actual moment – is it…? Yes, it’s working! Those alien chests are exploding messily all over the place – looks like a bucketful of emotions did the trick. Huzzah! Best For Film shall live to fight off another invasion of bad cinematic releases. At least for one more week, anyway…