Top 10 most disappointing films ever made
As anyone who’s ever heard the words “starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson” will tell you, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of glorious awfulness. In fact, as a culture we thrive on it. Phrases like “Now in eye-popping 3D”, “From the author of The Notebook comes” or “Katherine Heigl” guide us effortlessly into a state of vague disdain, a comforting wash of peripheral yet unavoidable dread. The nice thing is that we know where the disasters are coming from. In a way, we can look forward to the disappointment. And if that’s not at the heart of British people today, I don’t want to know what is.
So sure, films starring Amanda Bynes are fine. Really. The problem comes when films stop playing by the rules – when truly awful films are dressed up as fantastic ones; tricking us into blissful, laughable anticipation. When we’re truly shocked, appalled and devastated by a dreadful film, a cardinal sin has taken place. After all, when going in for a lovely hug with your mum, you wouldn’t expect her to start hitting you with a spade, screaming “I SHOULD HAVE PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE STOMACH WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE”, would you? Not unless she’s been drinking again. Similarly, the following ten films should not have been the atrocities they were. And frankly, we still feel betrayed.
10. Shrek 3
Having jumped the tricksy sequel hedge magnificently, there was no reason why Shrek 3 couldn’t have galloped happily to swishy rosetted victory. Eric Idle was on board, for Christ’s sake. But sadly, Dreamworks served up a bland, forgettable tale that was deemed all the more disappointing for its predecessors’ success. A bizarre plot involving Shrek and Donkey on a mission to make a moody teenager King of Far Far away, even the blinding combined star-power wasn’t enough to block out the constant comedy misfires. To be fair to the creators, you sometimes have to take a risk. And deciding to exchange ‘any jokes’ for ‘Justin Timberlake’ was, admittedly, a brave one.
9. King Kong
Considering he’s a monster that threw New York city into a frenzy, Peter Jackson’s King Kong hardly had any effect on us whatsoever. With a budget that would make Ashley Cole’s “private fun” accountant blush, King Kong was touted as The Lord Of The Rings Man’s next Big Project. And, well, no-one could really see why he’d bothered. Unless his mission statement was “make it pretty much exactly the same as earlier attempts, but longer. And give Jack Black another try, bless him.” Still, at least then he followed it up with action-fest The Lovely Bones. And still, at least he’s making The Hobbit. And still, at least he is definitely making The Hobbit, promise promise no-takey backsies (probably sort of). And still.
8.Men In Black 2
“Hey Barry, you know what everyone went freakin crazy for? That whole Men In Black thing you did. You should totally cash in on that thing again.”
“Yeah, I guess. But I’m not sure I can be bothered to think of an actual plot, interesting new characters or any new jokes whatsoever.”
“Psht, new characters? A different plot? New jokes?! What are you talking about! If anything, there were TOO MANY jokes in MiB. They were all wrinkled and squashed together. What you need to do is stretch them the shit out on a glorious ironing board of a sequel. Those aliens that were smoking in that one scene? Give them like 20 minutes of screen time. The dog with the one-liner? Give him some cheeky three hundred and sixty-liners. Stick them in the trailer with some shots of Will Smith with that HILARIOUS tiny gun and people will literally eat their own children to see it.”
“But… surely none of the original cast will sign on for this? Surely they have artistic intergrity, self-worth, creative merit?”
“You write blank cheques, right?”
7. Alice In Wonderland
Ah, Alice in Wonderland. Scientists have proven that the rage generated by every audience leaving the cinema post Alice In Wonderland is collectively strong enough to power Melbourne for three and a half weeks. With a cast that included Johnny Depp, Mrs Director, Stephen Fry, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall, Elvis, Jesus, the meaning of life and immortality, there was absolutely no way – NO WAY – that this Tim Burton dream-splatter was going to be anything except tongue-floppingly orgasmic. Except it wasn't. It was dreadful. Long, boring, obvious and deeply uninspiring, the best you could hope for was that the screen would catch alight and you'd at least get to watch all the characters plunge into a fiery pit before you were engulfed in the flames.
So supremely awful that its become more a ghost of a film that once existed than a film itself, its difficult to believe that Grease 2 was the film that gave Michelle Pfeiffer her big break. Starring as New-Sandy Stephanie, she has high school love trysts with Terrible-New-Danny Michael as they fight to stay cool whilst singing some of the most dreadful songs ever written. Still, its not all bad. Take a look at the fantastic track “Reproduction”, featuring the immortal line “make my stamen go berserk.”
5. Sex And The City 2
Sex And The City 2 managed the incredible feat of taking fairly low-expectation fluffy fun and pummelling it mercilessly over and over again, until what was once a pretty dull but inoffensive franchise was left a pulpy, bloodied mess. It was like watching Ed Norton go Fight-Club-Crazy on Jared Leto all over again, except the results were a lot more disgusting. Managing to be massively racist and sexist as well as mind-collapsingly dull, watching Sex And The City 2 was essentially like reading an issue of Vogue on a seven hour bus ride, whilst a dribbling tramp next to you yells “Get them foreigners out!” into your ear.
4. Indianna Jones and The Crystal Skull
It’s difficult to describe the international anger that this horrifying mockery of a once great franchise caused. In fact, I think I’ll leave it to the South Park boys. Click here for every living human’s opinion on the matter. Now let us never speak of it again.
3.The Matrix Reloaded
In this list because of what came before as well as after it,The Matrix Reloaded does not sit in a comfortable place in any decent person’s memory. Though not nearly as dreadful as everyone made out, there’s no denying that its place in history is as the first stain on the purity that was The Matrix. The mad babbling that engulfed the third film begins to creep in here, and though there were some fairly awesome chase sequences, you couldn’t help but get a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. Like watching your nan answer the toaster, it was the beginning of the end. And no-one likes to look back on that. With that in mind. Lets quickly brush over the next film-
2. The Matrix Revolutions
“Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as-” JUST LET IT STOP, PLEASE GOD LET IT STOP
and finally, in the number one spot…
1. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Otherwise known as The Beginning Of George Lucas’ Slaughter Of All That Is Good (title tbc), generations that had fallen in love with the Star Wars trilogy flocked in absolute joy to see the continuation (in a prequel sort of way) of cinematic gold. What they actually got was 2 hours of Natalie Portman looking miserable and the ungodly CG-eyesore that was Jar Jar Binks. Little did we know, upon exiting the cinema confused and disappointed, what years of hell were in store. What’s that George? A 3D re-release featuring Justin Bieber as the new Darth Vader, awesome. Oh Han. Oh Leia. We’re sorry, we’re so very, very sorry.