It’s been a hell of a week for cinema, hasn’t it? Hasn’t it? What do you mean, you don’t know? Are you telling us that you haven’t been glued to the Best For Film Twitter account all week, breathlessly drinking in every word of Hollywood news as we churned it out? You little bitch. Get in here and catch up or we’ll spank you.

He probably shouldn’t, but what the hell? You’re only 74 once!

Hey, you know that saying about the eyes being the window to your soul? What if the window opened up into a nightmare, wrapped in a murder, nestled in an insane asylum? Don’t understand? You will, my friend, oh you will.

Haywire is a funny little thing, a strange mix of gritty action, suave loitering and lots and lots of running. Star Gina Carano is supremely believable as Woman Who Will Kill Everyone, but she never seems quite at home amongst Soderbergh’s splashy cymbals and stylish basslines. At the end of the day, just as Statham will never be Bond, Carano just doesn’t suit the slick-suited world of pseudo-spying – just let her loose in Dublin with a baseball bat and a score to settle next time, eh?

In 1848, Charles Dickens wrote a little novella about a mean-spirited man at Christmas who, after being haunted by three ghosts, discovers the true spirit of the holiday and becomes GENEROUS. Sadly for Dickens, nobody needs to read his book anymore, because now we have films. Films AND a severe lack of new material; to celebrate this sorry fact, here are the top 10 Christmas Carols. May they haunt your houses pleasantly…

He brings out a new film every twelve to fourteen minutes, he has permanent standing orders to both Matt Damon and George Clooney, he’s about to direct a Liberace biopic before retiring to focus on his painting and he’s REALLY bald. Any guesses? It is of course Steven Soderbergh, and if you’re planning to see Contagion you’d better get involved with our Cheat Sheet…

Have you guys been watching the news? It seems that shipwreck hunters have discovered the remains of the S.S. Gairsoppa off the coast of Ireland and it’s got about £150,000,000 of silver buried inside. Gulp. Now that’s treasure beyond even our wildest dreams, although these films certainly give Gairsoppa’s haul a run for its money! Time to check out the top 10 treasures ever found (in film)…

Who are the most baked, caned, hopped-up or tripped-out characters in movie history? Here, in the sort of order which can only really be dreamt up through a haze of quaaludes, mescaline and Night Nurse, are our top ten.

For all those who ever wished to see that bunny boiler scene live… Us neither, but hey, there are some strange people out there.

According to weekend reports, the 1980s thriller Fatal Attraction is going to hit the West End as a new play around Christmas. Nothing like a bit of stalking and murdering to get you in the festive spirit eh?

As much as we love to moan about the ‘too good to be true’ on-screen relationship, there exists something far worse; the utterly baffling on-screen relationship. From girls having sex with Death in Meet Joe Black to questionable sexual age politics in Big, we feel it’s time for these dodgy love affairs to be exposed for what they are; bloody weird.