*The winter winds have had a strange effect on BFF towers. Tash’s voice has been reduced to an almost Beth Glanville-esque growl, John’s jumpers are getting more alarming every second, and as for Papa Neish, one can only assume that Scotland seems a tropical paradise by comparison. But what are we watching tonight? Oh yes, that’s sort of the point, isn’t it…*

Tash (Baritone):

Considering Charlize Theron watched her own mum shoot her dad to death when she was a teenager, the least we can do is go and watch Young Adult. There weren’t even any jokes in that sentence. The fact that it’s obviously going to be wonderful is sort of by the by. It’s the author of Juno, the director of Up In The Air and the star of Monster and it’s going to be brilliant. What else is there to say? Except that if anyone, anyone goes and watches Jack And Jill, EVEN IRONICALLY, they deserve to have their hands pounded into fleshy gloves. Not even the power of irony can save this catastrophe. Not even snark itself.

Orange Choice: Young Adult
Ultimate Lemon: Jack And Jill

Kayleigh (has a lot of Natasha in her life right now):

This is an urgent warning to all citizens; It is here. It is with us. Evacuate cities and attempt to head for isolated areas. Do not attempt to go near It. If a loved one has been in contact with It, leave them; they are lost. Jack And Jill has hit UK cinemas. Adam Sandler in drag. Adam Sandler not in drag. Adam Sandler times two is two times too many. LEMON! ASHAMEDLY OBVIOUS LEMON! Ahem. On the other hand, my orange this week goes to Like Crazy. A simple and brilliant outlook on young love is juicy, delectable and delicious. Yum yum. Cut me a slice of that citrus cheesecake, I’m so in the mood…

Orange Choice: Like Crazy
Ultimate Lemon: Jack And Jill

DVB (BF):

You know what’s fun? Watching people struggle to say things. For that reason alone you should at least hang around in the foyer outside Martha Marcy May Marlene. I’d also recommend buying a ticket, because Matthew Mark Luke John is fantastically unsettling and will probably make a star out of Elizabeth Olsen. Just to throw another couple of names into the mix, avoid Jack and CERTAINLY avoid Jill. From what I can gather, it’s basically The Mask but less funny and with less satisfying tit shots. So do the right thing. After all, why have Jason and Kylie when you can have John Paul George Ringo?

Orange Choice: Martha Marcy May Marlene
Ultimate Lemon: Jack And Jill

Papa Neish (vs The Other Neish):

While the obvious choice for film of the week is the universally acclaimed Martha Marcy May Marlene, none of my local cinemas are actually showing it. Besides, I’m not really in the mood for something well made, highbrow and low-budget, and it is for that reason that I am instead oranging Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. It’s not every week that there is a new film released starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (more’s the pity), and Journey 2 sees the actor at his most charismatic, whether popping his pecs, riding a giant bee or expounding the intricacies of soil liquefaction. To be pelted by lemons in the cinematic stocks, then, is Jack and Jill, a film so gastronomically bad that Adam Sandler wanted to be in it twice.

Orange Choice: Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
Ultimate Lemon: Jack And Jill

John (Bane-Saver):

D’you know what oranges look a bit like? Elizabeth Olsen’s breasts. D’you know where you can see an awful lot of Elizabeth Olsen’s breasts? Martha Marcy May Marlene, that’s where. A scintillating debut from director Sean Durkin, the still waters of this chilling thriller conceal turbulent hidden depths (and John Hawkes) – you simply must see it. Jack and Jill doesn’t have Elizabeth Olsen or her breasts, but it does have Adam Sandler and girl-Adam Sandler and his/her/its breasts. Which probably look like lemons. Don’t watch it or I’ll cut you.

Orange Choice: Martha Marcy May Marlene
Ultimate Lemon: Jack And Jill

WE WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS, ADAM SANDLER. NOT EVER. AND WE’RE STILL NOT EVEN DONE NEVER FORGIVING YOU NOT EVER FOR <JUST GO WITH IT.