On the sixth day of Christmas, Best For Film gave to me…

Geese #6 – Aristocats

Whilst title credits go to the feline stars of this 1970 Disney epic, a pair of unheralded heroes are the globetrotting English geese Amelia and Abigail Gabble. After fishing O’Malley the alley cat (still the sexiest animated animal) out of a river to the cry of “Bottoms Up!”, the Gabbles lead their cross-species gaggle back to the streets of Paris, where they bump into their drunk Uncle Waldo. A nearby Parisian restaurant has attempted to baste Uncle Waldo with a generous helping of white wine, even though, “being British I would have preferred sherry”, so the ladies go waddling off with Waldo in tow, their cackles echoing across the cobbles.

Let’s have a gander at Amelia and Abigail restoring the goosestep to its previous unblemished reputation.

Geese #5 – Fly Away Home

Look! It’s Jeff Daniels yelling at stuff and being a crappy father. Look! Some geese. Look! It’s young Anna Paquin showering with some birds. Let’s hope she doesn’t catch avian flu. Apparently an application of goslings can cure any father/daughter relationship, no matter how rocky. What’s rather creepy is that “fly away home shower scene” is the fourth search suggestion when you type the film’s title into Google. Just go watch True Blood, guys.

Geese #4 – Kung Fu Panda

For some bizarre and irrational reason, Po the panda from Kung Fu Panda has for an adoptive father a noodle-making goose. Mr Ping, the owner and proprietor of his own Noodle Shop, one day finds a baby panda in a shipment of radishes. This panda Mr Ping takes in and raises as his own, nurturing a hope that one day Po will take over the Noodle Shop. Their close father-son relationship is tested to its limits when Po is named the Dragon Warrior, but eventually Mr Ping comes to terms with his son’s destiny and teaches him the most important lesson of all – that the special ingredient in his signature noodles is nothing. All anyone needs is to believe that they are special for them to appear so. We can only hope that one day Mr Ping might realise his own dream of running away and making tofu.

A moving and well-deserved tribute to one of the most inspirational on-screen fathers in cinematic history:

Geese #3 – Top Gun

Top Gun is a ridiculous movie. Sweaty, homoerotic men hi-fiving and playing volleyball is just what BFF ordered for Christmas. Although Tom Cruise eventually ends up in the loving arms of Val Kilmer, we will never forget his first tragic relationship with Anthony Edwards. As much as you stare at his face, you will never, ever recognise E.R.‘s Doctor Greene. Our flying Goose (and crashing and burning and dying Goose) is our 3rd favourite. Here’s a clip where Tom Cruise inappropriately starts humping Goose’s limp corpse in the water:

Geese #2 – Ryan Gosling

If you haven’t guessed by now, Best For Film loves a bit of beef. No rising star is as beefy as Ryan Gosling, who is our 2nd favourite laying goose – emphasis on the laying!. This is one meaty bird: just look at him. Goddamn. Be safe in the knowledge that you will never attain the level of beef that Ryan Gosling sports with such ease. We’re looking forward to Gangster Squad just for him! Here is Emma Stone as devastated as we are by his washboard stomach:

Geese #1 – Wild Geese

These men are the most violent of geese, and the egg they lay is DEATH. Take that, Africa! Made in a time when a band of British gentlemen mercenaries wasn’t completely ridiculous, Wild Geese is a story about, well, how African nations can’t manage themselves without Roger Moore killing things. Very tactful. This ragtag band of soldiers are our top geese for Christmas! The Expendables can take a hike!

One point of the trailer reminded us inexorably of Starship Troopers:

“Rico! You know what to do! …I meant carry me back to the chopper, why the fuck did you shoot me!?”

…five goooooold rings!

four calling birds,

three French hens,

two turtle doves,

and a partridge in a pear tree!