10. “The Ape”

As seen on: Harry Shearer in Spinal Tap

This is a moustache that never apologises, never looks back and possibly never has a bath. It screams “I’m creative! I’m winning! I’m inspiring” whilst cunningly whispering into its T-shirt “my parents were first cousins”. Animal, passionate and possibly disease-ridden – the ladies love a bit of danger.

9.”The Jigsaw”
As seen on: Kenneth Branagh in Wild Wild West

Part facial-hair, part ink-blot test, The Jigsaw is the thinking man’s chin decoration. Not only does the well crafted and excessively symmetrical moustache give off an impressive “don’t worry girls, I own my own trouser-press” vibe, but the Rorschach-esque lower half implies inner depths. Murderous, terrifying inner depths.

8. “The Waterfall”
As seen on: Sam Elliott in The Big Lebowski

No-one knows when it began, and there are those who suspect that it actually grew the man it’s attached to, The Waterfall is the ultimate in pure, unadulterated hair. It’s a celebration of the glorious follicular possibilities the rest of us just wouldn’t dare to explore. Sure, every time you eat half your meal gets stuck on your face, lost forever in the mysterious, furry depths, but you know what? Supermodels would kill for that.

7. “The Toilet Rug”
As seen on: Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat

Curling almost instinctively around your features, this is a comfortable sports ‘tache for the man on the move. It sits snugly on your face, helping catching any passing debris without ever hampering your day to day business. Unless of course, your day to day business has anything whatsoever to do with reflective surfaces, in which case – for the sake of your own sanity – steer clear.

6. “The Death Or Glory”
As seen on: Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator

We’re not going to lie to you, this is a look that has a certain amount of backfire potential. However, on just the right sort of man, this is a choice that will command the ultimate in respect and awe. The question is, do you take that risk? It’s the facial hair equivalent of Russian roulette, and only the bravest of men can face a round. Which story would you prefer to tell to your grandkids?

5. “The Ghost”
As seen on Nicholas Cage in Kick-Ass

Let’s not kid ourselves. Not everyone can squeeze out A Waterfall at the drop of a cowboy hat, and some of us aren’t graced with the hairy potential of Derek Smalls. For the gentlemen looking for (stuck with) more modest, girl-like follicles, fear not! The Ghost is a lightweight, trendy alternative to the bulkier chin-attire, and lends a certain air of mysterious melancholy to your everyday face. Sure, you’re not going to kill a man with your teeth, but hey, you might… write a really lovely letter about watching it happen.

4. “The Cad”
As seen on Clark Gable in Gone With The Wind

Scientific testing on The Cad has yet to be completed, but early results seem to suggest that no living being can resist its streamlined powers. Suggesting both impeccable grooming and a wild disdain for the opinions of anyone not smoking a cigar, The Cad must be handled with extreme care. Transforming not only yourself but those around you into demure yet sexually charged animals, improper use of The Cad can result in skin burns, unwanted pregnancy and the desire to own a collection of cravats.

3. “The Tom Selleck”
As seen on: Tom Selleck in any film starring Tom Selleck

Legend has it that Tom Selleck’s perfect moustache was the result of a night of passion between Aphrodite herself and a devastatingly smooth-talking hedge. Most men have their brains in their skulls. Tom Selleck’s resides between his nose and his lips.

2. “The Architect”
As seen on Ming The Merciless in Flash Gordon

Some facial hair doesn’t just add decoration, it gives your face the structure it never knew it needed. The proud curves and strong extensions of The Architect provide a sturdy, confident basis for a chin that means business. Whether plotting an evil deed that will destroy all humanity, or mixing high-risk colours in a 40° wash, with The Architect at disposal you can be sure that nothing will collapse your face-determination.

1.”The Boss”
As seen on: Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs of New York

When a man’s moustache is both bushily masculine and yet delicate as a newborn swan, you know you’re dealing with the pinnacle of all face-rugs. The Boss answers to no-one but itself; it’s beautiful, graceful, soft and yet still ruggedly dangerous. Like dressing a bear as a mitten, its cuddly, wool-based outside disguises the ruthless killer within. Be afraid. No razor has a chance.

To learn more about the glorious month of Movember, check out their official website here and get growing. You can also take a peek at the delightful silliness here…