Could someone not shoot Zach Galifianakis in Mexico? Just to see him die?

Fright Night wasn’t enough for you, Anton?

It’s been a long, flag-based break, and we’re still not quite ready for the onslaught of the remainder of the week. Thank goodness then that we have the clammy embrace of TWO FOR ONE CINEMA to keep us motivated. THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S NOT MONDAY, IT’S WEDNESDAY! We’re living in the future!

Ding dong, the Queen’s not dead! As the matriarch of the Windsor (it’s transliterated from Wyndzaargh) clan of ravenous space lizards celebrates six decades of dominion over the oppressed humans of these isles, the anti-reptile resistance continues to gather in secret in cinemas across the land. On Wednesdays, mostly, because guerrilla warriors are generally a bit strapped for cash.

OH GOD WHO SET FIRE TO THE SKY? Summer has finally arrived, and if you’re going to preserve that distinctive ‘cineaste tan’ (dead white skin, blue veins, squinting eyes) then you need to stay in the shade. And where could be shadier than a cinema? Apart from an adult cinema, of course. FUN WITH HOMONYMS!

It’s impossible to dress for this weather – one minute it’s sheeting down, the next it’s hotter than Jude Law’s crotch five seconds after he’s met the new nanny. So why bother to go outside at all? Hide in the multiplex all day and watch film after film after film, secure in the knowledge that all you really need to wear is some pants. Thank god for the OWLs!

The third series of critically acclaimed drama Breaking Bad is out on DVD this month, and we’ve got three copies to give away! Read on to find out how you can win (it doesn’t involve making any meth)…

It’s the sexiest OW&L in history, which makes it just 14% less sexy than everything else on the internet. Let’s celebrate by going into a dark room, getting nice and close and WATCHING AVENGERS ASSEMBLE ALL OVER AGAIN! Or whatever. Your call, hot stuff.

It’s May, the month of flowers and solidarity with the international working class! What better time to take advantage of a promotion which will allow you to spend slightly less than usual on the grotesquely overpriced luxury that is going to the cinema? Those Avengers aren’t going to watch themselves!

To celebrate the release of ‘The Tim Burton Collection’ this week, we’re giving you the chance to win one of THREE boxsets! Take home these eight unmissable movies; Sweeney Todd, Beetle Juice, Batman, Batman Returns, Corpse Bride, Mars Attacks!, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure by answering a simple question…