PROMETHEUS PROMETHEUS PROMETHEUS FOREVER ARGHHH. Yeah yeah, sure we all know Scotty too hotty is the man behind the biggest thing to happen to aliens since The Fresh Prince put a suit on, but how much do you really know about him? Did you know he was supposed to design the Daleks? That he got his big break on a Hovis advert? That he directed Blade Runner? OK fine, ignore that last one, but FOR THE REST, we’ve got a CHEAT SHEET!

After a distressingly long absence from our – well, not our screens exactly, but our derelict warehouses – Secret Cinema is back with its biggest every event, running for a full month here in London. And it starts this week. Thank God it’s Monday!

Another week, another freshly baked batch of films vying for your attention. Which will you see? If only there was some way of watching all the good bits in three minutes and deciding if you want to fill in the gaps – oh, wait…

Ah, Friday. It’s the end of a long week and we bet you haven’t even seen any aliens, you poor sad shmuck – well, not any that you’d remember anyway. Suspicious? WE THINK SO! Time to brush up on the alien know-how, not to mention celebrate the release of Men In Black 3, with our very own memory deletion device – alcohol.

OH GOD WHO SET FIRE TO THE SKY? Summer has finally arrived, and if you’re going to preserve that distinctive ‘cineaste tan’ (dead white skin, blue veins, squinting eyes) then you need to stay in the shade. And where could be shadier than a cinema? Apart from an adult cinema, of course. FUN WITH HOMONYMS!

Helen Mirren is officially the oldest woman in the world that you’re allowed to want to sleep with. Which is nice. She’s also indisputably one of the finest actors of her generation, which is nicer. But did you know that she’s descended from Russian nobility? No, you didn’t. Sounds like somebody needs an ice cold Cheat Sheet…

The summer’s taking a while to arrive, but from Thursday you can travel across the world without leaving town – the London International Documentary Festival is back, and for ten glorious days it’ll be setting the world to right in venues across London. Thank God it’s Monday, eh?

You’re going to be using that seductive brain of yours ALL WEEK, the very least you can do is let it re-charge on a Sunday. Presenting this week’s releases in a coma-friendly format – just point your eyes towards the screen, shout “PUT THE KETTLE ON” in the direction of a minion and click to your heart’s content.

It’s been a hell of a week for cinema, hasn’t it? Hasn’t it? What do you mean, you don’t know? Are you telling us that you haven’t been glued to the Best For Film Twitter account all week, breathlessly drinking in every word of Hollywood news as we churned it out? You little bitch. Get in here and catch up or we’ll spank you.

It’s impossible to dress for this weather – one minute it’s sheeting down, the next it’s hotter than Jude Law’s crotch five seconds after he’s met the new nanny. So why bother to go outside at all? Hide in the multiplex all day and watch film after film after film, secure in the knowledge that all you really need to wear is some pants. Thank god for the OWLs!