Really? OK – Battle of the Pacific is a dreary WWII yarn sold to me by Best For Film as a ‘Martin Sheen war drama’, which is true if you take ‘Martin Sheen’ to mean ‘Daniel Baldwin’ and ‘war drama’ to mean ‘fiasco’. Running at a good two hours that feel like a bad three, I only made it to the end by turning the sound down and practicing my ukulele as I waited eagerly for the bad news from Hiroshima – and before you mount your moral high horse, just try sitting through Battle of the Pacific yourself and then tell me you don’t want to see people die.
Keith Lemon: The Film manages to make The Inbetweeners movie look like a viable candidate for an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture. It doesn’t matter how many times Kelly Brook shows off her curves in her underwear (which is many), how many ill-advised celebrity cameos there are (also many) or how often Leigh Francis attempts to tickle our funny bones with a badly-timed fart joke (seriously?), there is absolutely nothing that can stop this film from being dubbed unwatchable.
Riddled with more polished, well-executed and genuinely laugh-out-loud comedic moments than many of its contemporary predecessors, as a showcase for veteran funnymen Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, The Watch is ideal. However, by trying to force square emotional pegs in round comic holes, The Watch suffers under the pressure to prove its legitimacy by incorporating a “depth” which is both unnecessary and poorly-executed.
In 2006, unofficially-crowned Worst Director of All Time Uwe Boll made an action-fantasy video-game adaptation (of the Dungeon Siege games) called In The Name Of The King. It cost $60million, starred Jason Statham and Ron Perlman, and boasted supporting turns from Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds. It made less than $14million and has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 4%. Now, six years later, he’s made a sequel. Super.
Gird your loins, everyone: it’s arrived. The film which inspired the following words from Roger Ebert: “Describing the movie is bringing down the level of my prose.” A “billion dollar movie” featuring the likes of Jeff Goldblum, Will Ferrell, Robert Loggia, Zach Galifianakis and John C Reilly. A film so strange and offensive it led to a number of furious walkouts from audience members during a screening at the Sundance festival. Yes, Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie is upon us, and goddamnit is it a beautiful, terrifying spectacle.
Matt Smith (yes, Doctor Who) and Eva Green (yes, Eva Green) made this in 2010. Originally called Womb, it had to be rebranded as Clone for the UK DVD release. The story of a woman who clones and gives birth to her dead boyfriend, you’d think this would be amazing sci-fi, or at least amazingly bad, but in fact it’s just a beautifully shot, but painfully dull story, lacking the gross factor, the sci-fi factor or even the moral debate about the concept of cloning factor. Matt Smith is great though.
Ball-achingly slow, utterly pointless and with a completely inexplicable ending, The Paranormal Incident is a glossy, shining example of exactly what not to do with $3million and a camera. You could have made some really nice, 1080p HD hardcore porn with that sort of budget; it probably would have been better-scripted, better-shot and better-acted than this steaming pile of puerile garbage.
A Tarantino-style Spanish romp which veers wildly between harrowing violence and hilarious gutter-humour, Neon Flesh is by no means a comfortable viewing experience. With a shining cast and a cracking soundtrack, this totally classless 100-minute bloodbath, against the odds, manages to strike just the right note; Neon Flesh is an unusual portrayal of poverty, parenthood and perversion that affects you far more by the end than you thought it would in the beginning.
A blackly comic lampooning of American popular culture, writer-director Bobcat Goldthwait’s God Bless America takes aim at everything from The Jersey Shore to American Idol, shooting them down through the combined mediums of satire and bullets. It’s an entertaining ride where the blood flows and the commentary bites, but don’t expect any critiques you haven’t heard before.