Mark Doherty and Dylan Moran teaming up to try and deal with a house determined to frame them for murder? Yes, please! A farce so dark it’s like a black hole put on some sunglasses because it was hungover. Hungover on Guinness.

Philip Seymour Hoffman brings us a tale about love, loss and life that tries its very best to hop on the first train to Quirksville. Unfortunately, it misses its connection, tries to take a boat instead, gets lost and ends up deep in the Uncanny Valley.

While this isn’t the first adaptation of Hergé’s comic book creation to grace the big screen, it is the first time that Tintin has appeared since 1972 and the first time he ‘s been presented to such a general audience. With Steven Spielberg on top form, and a story which picks liberally from three of the series’ most popular books, the result is quite simply one of the best blistering blue blockbusters of the year.

A superbly upsetting film, We Need to Talk About Kevin sees Lynne Ramsay and Tilda Swinton join forces to emotionally brutalise their audience in a fantastically realised adaptation of Lionel Shriver’s beast of a book.

Look, Paranormal Activity, you’re a smart, scary franchise, I know you could do better than this if you applied yourself. 1988 is not a scary year, and creepy children are seriously overdone. Supernatural horror in the heart of suburbia? Sounds brilliant. Witches? Not so much.

From the producers of Anuvahood and Shank comes a self-consciously dark revenge thriller which nevertheless manages to provide an interesting new perspective on the growing dangers of urban gang violence. You may wince, but chances are you’ll stick with Sket to the bloody end.

Adapted from Yazmina Reza’s play The God Of Carnage, Polanksi’s latest puts his trademark claustrophobia fetish to good use; creating a darkly comic, satisfyingly tense and brilliantly performed drama that, sadly, doesn’t quite make it to the finish line.

INSIGHT ALERT: politics can sometimes be a bit of a mucky business. There. Everyone was thinking it, but God knows it had never been articulated before George Clooney bravely blew the cobwebs off our antiquated belief that politicians are all selfless good guys working for the benefit of Joe Q. Public. The Ides of March is snappy and competent, but its hackneyed ‘message’ is dated beyond belief.

D’you know what Million Dollar Baby needed? A scruffy kid with big eyes, Evangeline Lilly, and MASSIVE ROBOTS. Hugh ‘all the genres, all of the time, so long as I get to be buff’ Jackman stars in an unreasonably enjoyable sci-fi sports extravaganza which will leave you wondering why Hollywood has never before made a robot fight a 2000lb bull.

This is Clearwater. It shines nine months out of the year, and hurricanes the other three. What little food grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here, even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies, or parrots, we have…dolphins.