Now we here at Best for Film are all a bit partial to a bit of Adam Sandler (some more begrudgingly than others). Yes, he finds himself perpetually playing the same zero-to-hero role, but if it the down-on-his-luck-loser-inevitably-finds-success-and-the-girl formula ain’t broke then why fix it? (And truth be told, the less said about Señor Sandler trying to break out of his mould, cough Punch Drunk Love,  the better.)

Deep down, we’ve all wished our lives mirrored those of his cinematic characters. Wouldn’t you like to spend the most of your life swanning around doing sweet f.a. and end up loaded with a lovely lady on your arm? Always wondered which classic Adam Sandler character is most like you? With our revolutionary and soon-to-takeover-the-world test (you saw it here first ladies and jellyspoons!) you too can find out which Adam Sandler character you are. So without further ado it’s time to delve into those oh-so-cherished Adam Sandler stories…

1) Where do you live?

(a) On my father’s rather grand estate. Complete with maid, an army of gardeners and an invisible penguin.
(b) In a musty, pokey little apartment.
(c) Down by the swamp. Deeeep south.
(d) In a large New York apartment. My room’s the one with the live nudes night-light.

2) What do you want to do in life?

(a) To get drunk. And in October I like to read nudey magazines.
(b) To be a professional ice-hockey player. Oh puck yeah.
(c) To p….p….provide the best damn water those f….f…f…football players ever had.
(d) Having been injured in a minor motor accident and received compensation since, I can safely say that my life’s goals have been achieved (and then some).

3) Who is your arch-nemesis (apart from the working world, of course)?

(a) Eric Gordon! That asshole is trying to take my Dad’s hotels goddammit!
(b) Shooter McGavin. He eats pieces of shit for breakfast. Seriously. He told me.
(c) My college teacher. He says alligators are angry ‘cos of their medulla oblongata and he’s wrong.
(d) That Scuba Steve is a bit of a jackass sometimes…

4) Who’s been tugging at your heart-strings?

(a) My third grade teacher. She is ONE piece of ass…
(b) My PA on the PGA Tour. She thought we were just friends, but friends don’t listen to Endless Love in the dark.
(c) A local biker girl. She showed me her boobies.
(d) My best friend’s sister-in-law. She’s so pretty that Clapton wrote a song about her.

5) Been set any challenges recently?

(a) I’ve gotta pass 12 grades of school and graduate within 24 weeks.
(b) I’ve gotta finish higher than that shithead Shooter at the Tour Championship.
(c) I’ve gotta pass my classes and win the f…f….f…football trophy for dem Mud Dogs.
(d) I’ve gotta avoid being sentenced to jail for the kidnap of a child and defrauding the state of New York!

If your answers were mostly (a)s,
Congratulations Billy Madison! Your character mirrors that of Adam Sandler in…
Billy Madison

Although you are a lazy, drunken, t-shirt stealing fool with an unhealthy thirst for daquiris, fear not! You’re going to end up as the CEO of a lucrative chain of luxury hotels.  And you get to cop off with Pete Sampras’ unfeasibly attractive wife. Nice.

If your answers were mostly (b)s,
Congratulations Happy Gilmore! Your character mirrors that of Adam Sandler in…
Happy Gilmore

Even though you’re crap at ice hockey (and pretty much everything else you turn your hand to) it seems like Lady Luck has got a soft spot for you. Your freakish ability to hit a ball further than Tiger Woods can drive a car (ouch) means you’ll end up as a champion golfer with a LIFETIME’S supply of Subway sandwiches. Tasty. Grandma gets to keep her house too.

If your answers were mostly (c)s,
Congratulations Bobby Boucher! Your character mirrors that of Adam Sandler in…
The Waterboy

Whilst you have no self-esteem, the world’s most overprotective mother and a stutter that would make Gareth Gates cringe your future looks good. You’re gonna end up as a champion college football player with a good degree. Smart. Getting to share a bed with that feisty looking one who gets off with Neve Campbell in The Craft ain’t too shabby either my friend.

If your answers were mostly (d)s,
Congratulations Sonny Koufax! Your character mirrors that of Adam Sandler in…
Big Daddy

Whilst you’ve successfully completed your law degree, you seem pretty happy to let it slide and pass the time ordering junk-food, sleeping ’til the afternoon and occasionally ‘working’ at a toll booth. But looking after someone else’s kid will miraculously cure your lifelong sense of immaturity and lack of responsibility, and you’ll end up as a high-flying city lawyer with a pretty wife and a cute wee one of your own. All this and you’ll get to laugh at your old flame humiliatingly chargrill wings at Hooters. Burn.

So looks like all you bums can go back to your La-Z-Boys, cold ones and Adam Sandler stories, safely assured that your futures are taken care off.