brigette bardot

Brigitte Bardot. You may remember her from such films as And God Created Women and Helen of Troy or just as a saucy French minx from the fifties. However, despite her glamour model past, Brigitte was no Jordan. There was a popular claim at the time that Brigitte did more for the French international trade balance then the entire French car industry. Plus, she was the sex kitten who put the ‘b’ in ‘bikini. And she didn’t need to have loads of unnecessary surgery to do it.

But not content with just fading into the background, despite retiring from acting at thirty-nine in order to “get out elegantly”, Brigitte has moved on. To politics. So it was au-revoir to la belle, Fit Brigitte and bonjour to Mard-o Bardot, the angry and frustrated animal rights activist.

And now she’s jumped aboard the President bandwagon. Despite announcing in an interview last week that politics disgusts her, she is now putting herself forward for the next election in 2012, representing France’s Ecology Alliance party. I bet Nicolas Sarkozy is quaking in his boots.

And he should be; this lady is determined and a bit scary. And it’s not as if she can rely on her once smouldering looks to get her places. At seventy-six years old, she is no hot, spring chicken. But she’s no Margaret Thatcher either.

I wouldn’t worry about Brigitte taking over France, though. She is after all, completely unsuitable given that she is a MASSIVE RACIST. And homophobe. And with four convictions and fines over her anti-islam and anti-gay remarks, she’s not exactly pushing for an happy and equal country. Cor, but imagine if she does win! With a racist, homophobic, ex-sexpot animal rights activist on the loose we could have a mutiny on our hands. And not the good kind.

But Brigitte isn’t the only film star to turn her attentions to that of the bigger cause. And because Brigitte has inspired me to believe that you can do anything if you put your mind to it (even if you are unpolitically correct) here’s a list of my favourite “actors-who-do-other-stuff”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Beefcake Bodybuilder turned Governator

Like Brigitte, Arnie used to be something of a looker. Whilst I’m not massively into bulging, greasy muscles that look like they could pop anytime, I’m sure that back in the day, Arnold Schwarzenegger had so many notches on the bedpost, it gave him splinters. But what do you do when the great “Austrian Oak” goes to seed and they stop churning out Terminators? Well, you join in with the fun of politics, of course. Wahey!

Unfortunately, Arnie doesn’t seem to be as succesful in politics as he was on screen. But at least he’s cutting costs by turning down the $175, 000 governor’s wage on account that he’s made big bucks in his acting career. But even being the Terminator couldn’t stop him from being voted one of eleven “worst governors” in the United States by an ethics watchdog group. Plus, in the run up to the election, there were several sexual misconduct allegations with six women coming forward with stories about how Arnie felt them up at some point or another.

What is it with sleazy politicians? Mayor Quimby in The Simpsons and let’s not forget the scandal with John Major and Edwina Curry. And now Arnie and his large wandering hands have joined in with the fun. He used to be such a hero.

Dolores Hart: Kissing Elvis to Convent Prioress

Chicago born, Hollywood bred, Dolores Hart was destined to be something. But it seems that acting opposite Elvis Presley TWICE and even getting to KISS the quiffed dreamboat, wasn’t enough for her. Dolores wanted more. But instead of pursuing more roles and other snake-hipped devils, she left her acting career behind her and joined a convent.

So did Elvis drive her into the arms of the Lord? Not likely. He could have been the serpent to tempt Eve with his good looks and his provocative thrust. Oh, he gives me the shivers! And did Dolores and Elvis get it on, away from the cameras? Nu-uh, this was no Brangelina story. But rather then wailing “I will never love again” and running into the arms of the abbey when the flames didn’t ignite off-screen, it was apparently her involvement with the Holocaust-themed film Lisa, that led her to become a Prioress.

God may work in mysterious ways, but I’ll take Elvis any day.

Charlie Sheen: Vietnam Soldier, Chris to Conspiracy Theorist

You know you’re part of the Jeremy Kyle generation when you become fascinated by people slipping down the slippery slope of the well known downward spiral. And when Jeremy, the schoolboy-gelled host presents me with thieving cousins, scrounging fathers and lying sisters, I know I should turn over. I just can’t. In public, it’s the same. Domestics on the streets, arguments on the phone; I am a rubber-necker. But with Charlie Sheen, it’s so much more. What is he doing? The accidental shooting of his wife, the Heidi Fleiss regular? Then he went and accidently overdosed on cocaine in 1998 and now he’s a conspiracy theorist. Wait sorry, I mean “truth activist”.

The 9/11 Truth Movement is a collective which questions the account of the terrorist attack on the 11th September, mainly concerned with thinking the government were responsible. And the Sheenster is part of it, as are actors Ed Asner, Daniel Sunjata and Rosie O’Donnell. Hmm, I smell a potential Come Dine With Me conspiracy theorist special.

But hey, I like conspiracies. Especially the one about the moon being made of cheese.

Tom Cruise: Mission Impossible Ethan Hunt to Scientology Church Militant

Unlike Katie Holmes, I never looked at Tom Cruise and thought “one day I will marry that man.” Rather, I looked at him and felt my cringe gland start spasming. I don’t like to think it’s because he’s small and squinty, instead I think it’s because the first film I saw him in was Austin Powers where he is trying to be the international man of mystery himself. And despite playing a hi-tech spy in Mission Impossible, I doubt he could charm the ladies like Austin.

But this whole Scientology bag is just the weird icing on the creepy cake. I’m no belief fascist; think what you want to (as long as you agree with me) but I’m just not comfortable with the religion/cult/business. I don’t know, maybe it’s something to do with the brainwashing, the condemnation of painkillers in childbirth and the exorbitant fees it charges for its spiritual services. Jesus never charged a leper. And he turned water into wine FOR FREE.

Can’t decide whether Tom Cruise is bland or grand? Check out the for and against case in our J’Accuse.

Jeffrey Jones: Villain In Ferris Bueller to registered sex offender

It’s always a sad case of affairs when you have to share the news that someone has become a bit of a paedo. Not only that, but Jeffrey was charged with being a disorganised paedo when he failed to update his sex offender status. If you’re gonna employ a fourteen year old to pose for photographs for you, you’re going to have to pencil in when you next need to re-register as a nonce.

And you would think that no director or producer would want to have a sex offender gracing their monitors. It would be like having Gary Glitter back on Top of The Pops. And nobody wants that. But since being convicted in 2003, Jeffers has been in a film and two television series. And Deadwood went down a storm.

I guess Jeffrey doesn’t make people feel that sick. Maybe it’s just imagining the orange caterpillar that lies across his face slipping into his mouth, that makes me want to vom.

And there we have it. Whilst Katherine Hepburn said that acting is the perfect idiots profession, you can’t really say that this gang are all foam, no beer. I mean, whoever heard of an idiot running a country?