Five Movies We’d Like to See Re-Made
So they’re remaking Bonnie and Clyde. Everyone who likes things is unanimous that this is possibly the worst decision that’s ever been made. Even when they remade Psycho. Frame for frame. WITH VINCE VAUGHN.
It’s not that we think that movies should be kept behind a glass case marked “Re-enact for STAGE ONLY”, but with films like Bonnie and Clyde, a definite line is being crossed. I have reasons for this, but it made this entire blog run to 3,000 words, so I had to cut it out. Just believe me: if any movie should be in that glass case, it should be Bonnie and Clyde.
But what films should be up for grabs? What could legitimately benefit from a modern-day reimagining? Let’s take a look at the vault.
#1 – The Witches
If you remember correctly, the film version of The Witches ended with Luke, (a sort of prelude to Jonathon Lipnicki) defying the Grand High Witch’s evil scheme to turn all children into mice. However, in the process he gets transformed into a mouse himself. In the film, a merciful witch turns him back into a boy. In Dahl’s version however, Luke remains a mouse forever. He doesn’t mind though, because he lives with his beloved Grandmother. The pair estimate that he will only live for about four years, which is fine, because Grandmother expects to only live about that long anyway. They’re both pretty OK about it, because they don’t want to live without one another. Of all the fucked up conclusions Dahl toyed with, this is resoundingly the most fucked. To never see an ending like this portrayed on screen is a crime against Dahl’s legacy, and I personally won’t rest until it gets made.
We’ll keep Anjelica Huston as the Grand High Witch, but how about Judi Dench as Luke’s cigar-smoking, suicide-pact swearing Norwegian grandmother? I can really imagine Judi Dench being comfortable with a cigar.
#2 – Clue
The weird thing about Cluedo (or “Clue” as the Americans so innocuously call it) is that it’s the only board game in the world that is shit to play but fun to learn about. Whenever anyone whips out Cluedo, you find yourself so immersed in the characters and the setting that you forget that the whole game is one really long process of elimination. “Was it Prof. Plum in THE DINING ROOM WITH AN AXE?” you scream at your fellow players. “No”, they say. “Oh, ok” you reply, crestfallen.
Although a film version of the game was already made in 1985, the movie sank into obscurity largely because it was too cheesy even for THE EIGHTIES.
Obviously, it’s a British movie. There’s something so aristocratic about Cluedo, plus you can’t rely on Americans to say words like “pantry” and “drawing room”. Alan Rickman as Prof. Plum, Stephen Merchant as Rev. Green, and Brian Blessed as Colonel Mustard. Yeah, that’s right. BRIAN BLESSED is in my movie. Julie Andrews as Mrs. Peacock and Emily Blunt as Miss Scarlet. My God, this is going to be the best film ever.
#3 – Breakfast at Tiffany’s
While admittedly is a wonderful film, there’s no denying that it’s a thousand miles away from Truman Capote’s original story. In the 1961 movie, Holly Golightly is a kooky escort who evades her customers when it’s time to give up her end of the deal. In the novella however, Holly is somewhat more frankly a prostitute, or “the great American geisha” as Capote put it. Furthermore, she abandons “Fred” and goes to live in Brazil. No finding a cat in the rain here. Also, she’s blonde. Take that, every brunette at a costume party.
As the original Holly was 18 when the book begins, I see no harm in waiting a couple of years for Chloe Moretz to do this as her first properly adult role. One of the few things John and I have managed to agree on is that Chloe Moretz is the world’s best existing human, and I can imagine her owning the role.
See? Waify and blonde, steely yet wounded. Someone give my number to Harvey Weinstein, casting movies that already exist is clearly my calling in life.
#4 – Hunchback of Notre Dame
According to my desk/crime partner Kayleigh Dray, the Hunchback of Notre Dame should be remade as a live action movie. She makes a strong case. The original Disney film went right over the edge of what a child’s mind can accept (mass murdering of gypsies, anyone?) so we think a freakishly gritty yet eye-wateringly opulent costume drama deserves existence. Also according to Dray’s shrewd business mind: “Deformed people sell.”
Andy Serkis in some wacky hunchback suit. Mila Kunis as Esmeralda? She has that kind of gypsy look, and we know she’d look nice in a corset. Plus, she could do some dances with a tambourine. She’d love that. Bill Nighy for Frolo. Just because Bill Nighy can do anything. Phoebus will obviously be played by Ewan McGregor. Because he’s good, and because Kayleigh says so.
#5 – The Witches of Eastwick
The Witches of Eastwick is probably the best book you’ll ever be able to buy at an airport bookshop. Thematically, it’s somewhere between Thelma and Louise and The Crucible, only with great big long words and loads of orgies. The film is a somewhat different animal. It’s enjoyable enough, if camp, silly and somewhat devoid of internal logic. It doesn’t really function that well as a movie at all, more as a series of weird set pieces. There’s magic tennis, projectile vomit, and floating Cher. I have a feeling that this movie only got made because someone called Jack Nicholson and said “Wanna play the devil in this lady movie? There’s orgies.”
While the original is strangely good, I’d quite like to see the Witches of Eastwick remade as a serious movie with loads of acting in it. Maybe some Clare Danes (she’s a grown up now, you know), Michelle Williams and some other actress with brown hair. It doesn’t matter who. We could even get Christian Slater as The Devil/Darryl Van Horne. It’ll be his glorious comeback and we’ll all find him weirdly sexy again. Hurray!