TAKE ONE SIP WHENEVER…

A splatter of blood sprays artfully across some immaculate white snow. Either that or someone find the mangled remains of a body. Ouchie!

An arctic wind howls and everyone is chilled to the bone!

An arctic husky howls and everyone is chilled to the bone/cuted out by how cute the huskies are.

It’s night all the time because sometimes that’s a real thing that happens in science! It does! It happens in Alaska. Just ask Josh Hartnett, he’ll tell you.

TAKE TWO SIPS WHENEVER…

The characters are racing to get back to safety before dark falls/snow comes. Are they gonna make it? ARE THEY???? Omg what if they don’t make it and they all die? I don’t think I can handle the – oh wait, they made it.

Despite the cold weather, things still manage to get all steamy like the gratuitous shower scene in Whiteout. We’ll let you go and google that for a second there but be warned, it does involve Kate Beckinsale YUCKY.

Ominous footsteps appear in the snow because snow footprints are the most scary and coolest footprints of all.

TAKE THREE SIPS WHENEVER…

The characters discover an abandoned science facility/building and go inside even though it’s clearly the worst idea in the world ever. “How about if we split up, guys?” “Yeah cool that sounds super safe” “Cool! See you on the flipside”.

Torches illuminate said abandoned facility and then GO OUT. This is a terrible moment for everyone involved because it means the Nazi snow monsters can eat everyone’s faces in the dark.

“Oh no! Our cellphones don’t work out here! And there’s no one around for MILES!” Well, you are in the Arctic. Who do you think mans the mobile phone masts, huh? Penguins? Tiny, adorable penguins wearing hard hats? Up mobile phone masts in the Arctic? HUH? Is that what you really think?? Well here’s some news for you: penguins don’t live in the Arctic, so there’s that plan out the window. No I don’t need to sit down I’ve only had two flaming sambucas.

DOWN THAT MELTED SNOW WATER, INUIT!

WHENEVER THERE’S AN AVALANCHE!!!!! Lol jk. This hardly ever happens in horror films. Mostly what happens is everyone dies! Haha. So instead, we’ll say AVALANCHE OF DEATH!!!!

If you’ve managed to survive through this frosty, stabby ordeal then well done, friend. Now don your rabbit fur hat and lurch out of your front door into the night, your hipflask of Russian Standard vodka clasped limply in one hand. Remember: avoid abandoned houses and rabid penguins.