Is there any Christmas film more perfectly invested with humour, emotion and Colin Firth than Love Actually? If there is, we don’t want to hear about it. Settle down with a bottle of something warming, a pillow to cuddle and a huge bar of Galaxy, and remember – Best For Film is actually yours x x

Take one sip:

Whenever Liam Neeson makes you choke on all the hindsight. STOP PLAYING CHARACTERS WHOSE WIVES HAVE DIED, LIAM, IT WON’T END WELL.

Whenever Rowan Atkinson fannies around with a cinnamon stick What happened to you, Rowan? Blackadder wouldn’t work in the jewellery section. Actually, he probably would, wouldn’t he?

Whenever you want to microwave a slice of that bloody pie until it’s really, really hot, and then rub it into Keira Knightley’s exposed eyeballs. “I look quite pretty!” Fuck off, you smug bitch.

Take two sips:

Whenever Colin Firth and Aurelia (nobody knows the actress’ name) don’t just get on with it. Poor form on bringing her home, Colin – what’s the point of having an attractive maid who doesn’t speak English AND WILL ALSO JUMP IN PONDS, IN DECEMBER, IN HER KNICKERS, if you then go and marry her? She’ll only end up fucking your brother, anyway. You could have saved all that money on Portuguese lessons, and all those alimony payments, with one lewd gesture.

Whenever you spot a non-standard Nativity character. Two drinks for the whale. Three for King Spider-Man. “Eight is a lot of legs, David!”

Whenever someone calls Martine McCutcheon fat. There’s a lesson here, and it’s this: saying a relatively slim girl has “legs like big tree trunks” never stops being funny.

Take three sips:

Whenever Laura Linney inexplicably fails to sleep with Karl. Darling, your brother will still be mental in the morning.

Whenever Martin Freeman and Joanna Page are unbearably lovable. Who knew such a touching relationship could grow out of warming your hands before you grasp the nipples of someone you scarcely know? There’s a message there, rapists!

Whenever you are genuinely taken aback by how much of a lad Bill Nighy is. Did he just suggest watching porn? Did he mock Blue’s testicles? DID HE SHOW PARKY HIS COCK? This is a Richard Curtis film!

Drink all of the gin and cry forever:

When Alan Rickman RIPS EMMA THOMPSON’S FUCKING HEART OUT. “Oh my god – it’s a miracle!” The miracle is that we’ve not short-circuited the remote control with sobs. WHY YOU SO AMAZING, EMMA?

Now, all together: I feel it in my fingers/ I feel it in my toes/ Love is all aro- fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole.