Right, this is how it’s going to go. Take all the cushions off your sofa, make them into rudimentary horses – dressing gown cords will do for reins – and saddle up with a bottle of Red Rum (get it? HAHAHAHA). Watch a war film, then a horse film, then a war film and a horse film at the same time on different TVs. If you’re feeling really energetic, have a horse film directly in front of you and a war film on either side then make your little brother throw stuff over the ‘war film’ TVs at you – it’ll be like the Charge of the Light Brigade, but without the Russians.

Take a sip (war films):

Whenever a doctor patches up a minor wound only for their patient to sit up and immediately be shot in the face. Do a shot of grenadine if the bullet goes through their bandage.

Whenever a nervy teenage soldier says something along the lines of “Why?!” and a grizzled veteran says that he’s damned if he knows. Cry into your drink and then down it if tears cut through the grime and blood on either participant’s face.

Whenever someone’s perched somewhere that they really won’t be able to perch in if they get shot, and then they get shot and fall off their perch. Strawpedo if you hear the Wilhelm Scream.

Take two sips (horse films):

Whenever a horse runs in front of the setting sun. Horse actors all aspire to work for J.J. Abrams, and ‘forcing the cameraman to film the sun’ is the closest they can get to orchestrating a lens flare.

Whenever a horse is, like, really bolshy and uncontrollable, and there’s this kid who’s like a loner or an outcast or a gay or something, and everyone thinks ‘hey, this horse and this kid will never get along’ BUT THEN THEY REALLY GET ALONG. NB: also works with kestrels.

Whenever some bastard character is shitty to a horse and then the horse boots him and probably gets whipped or something but it still won! HorseLAD. Down your drink if the bastard has a horseshoe imprinted on his forehead.

Take three sips (war/horse films):

Whenever a horse gets shot. Obvious, really. Horses die in wars, because they’re not bulletproof and bullets are, unfortunately, horseproof.

Whenever a horse nearly gets shot but then doesn’t get shot. OOH, you didn’t see that coming! Sometimes horses (and people) don’t die in wars – if everyone died it’d be hard to decide who won, after all.

Whenever a horse gets a bullet in its hoof and someone has to dig it out with one of those things for getting stones out of horses’ hooves. It sort of invalidates the warranty if you use them for getting bullets out, but Steven Spielberg will probably cover the excess if there’s any problem.

CHUG YOUR NOSEBAG, DOBBIN!

Whenever anyone whispers anything to a horse. If they whisper ‘I love the smell of horseshit in the morning’, drink all the drinks in the world until you die.

We haven’t seen War Horse yet. Can you tell?