First things first, you might be asking yourself what, exactly, constitutes a “Bird Film”. I mean it isn’t like there’s a section of Blockbuster or Lovefilm devoted entirely to bird related movies. Which is a shame because birds in movies are fucking ace and that is a fact. Whether evil bastards intent on pecking out the soft parts of people’s faces (The Birds) or deathly manifestations of a human’s vengeful spirit (The Crow) or lovable fuzzy dwarves tap-dancing their way around the Arctic (Happy Feet), birds have given us some truly wonderful and varied moments of cinema. Therefore while choosing your DVDs for this evening of feathery fun, it’s best to pick some flicks where birds appear on-screen for at least half the running time. Otherwise it might be a long, sober night and there is NOTHING worse than that. So, round up a murder of mates, your fave ornithological flicks and lots of alcohol and get ready to soar majestically and drunkenly through movie land. Or if you don’t have any mates, even better. The huge amounts of alcohol will help you escape the terrible emptiness that is your life!

Take One Drink Whenever:

A penguin breaks into song and tap-dances in the hope of impressing some hot penguin clunge.

A bird looks ominously into the camera, as if to say “You’re next fucker!”

A bird appears on screen as an omen of terribleness to come.

A flock of doves fly in slow motion across the screen.

A small child is befriended by a bird. Take an extra drink if the child has a face that could be properly described as “ruddy” and two extra drinks if this happens in a poverty stricken North of England town.

Take Two Drinks Whenever:

Bird shit lands on someone or into someone’s drink in a comical fashion.

Morgan Freeman tells the viewer an unreliable fact about penguins.

A character comes back from the dead in bird form.

A bird swoops down and attacks someone. Take an extra drink if the person is a hobbling old man.

A group of birds swarm together in an ominous fashion.

An American is inspired by the sight of an eagle.

A bird is shot at by a slack jawed hick.

Drink Like a Bird Whenever*:

* Drinking like a bird means all players fill their glasses to the brim, put their hands behind their backs and lean forward to drain their glass. Use of hands is forbidden, as is the use of straws and if a glass is spilled it must be refilled and the player must begin drinking again. The last person to finish their drink must do one of the forfeits listed below, as chosen by the other players.

A character’s eyes are pecked out by a bird.

A bird is used as a racist representation of a black person.

A large group of birds launch a vicious attack on some townsfolk.

Someone interprets the behaviour of a bird or birds as a sign of the apocalypse.

You realise that you have started to watch a film which, though it has a bird-related title, has absolutely nothing to do with birds (e.g. Bird, The Eagle).

Forfeits:

Forfeit 1: The player has three minutes to fashion and wear an impromptu bird costume from items found within the building where the game is being played. At the end of three minutes if the costume is considered “lame” or “shit” the player must drink an entire glass of their drink. If the costume is considered “awesome” or “not shit” the player must wear it for the rest of the game.

Forfeit 2: The player must open their phone contacts, scroll through the list, stop randomly at one and call it. When the person answers they must introduce themselves and offer to sing them a bird song. If the person they called agrees they must then sing or whistle a convincing bird-like tune for 10 seconds before saying goodbye and hanging up. No further explanation is allowed in the duration of the call.

Forfeit 3: The player must go out onto the street, walk up to the first stranger/ group of strangers they see, flap their arms like wings and shout: “I am the bird! I am the bird! How absurd! I am the bird!”