To celebrate the release of dystopian drama The Hunger Games, we’ve decided to celebrate the inevitable deconstruction of modern society. And get very drunk while we do it…

Several years after the devastating effects of Budget 2012, the United Kingdom is unrecognisable. Thick, unruly barbed wire snakes across the concrete walls, erected between each of the counties after the second round of riots. Every vice has been banned, every sin must be atoned for; you can buy back your virtue after committing a crime, or you can do the time. And the time, my dears, is life, regardless of whether you stole a loaf to feed your family or murderered a mouthy prostitute.

Outside, the stormtroopers are rounding people up off the streets and setting fire to them. Why? It’s past curfew, that’s why. If they knew you were in here, gathered in this dissenting circle and contemplating the evils of alcohol, they’d make sure you were punished. Maybe they’d torture your mother before your very eyes. Maybe they’d make an “example” of your sister in front of the masses. Or, just maybe, they might take you to one of the more unsavoury city spots and orchestrate your unfortunate “accident”.

But do you care?

No. The sweet taste of REVOLUTION is in the air! What do revolutionaries drink? Lots and lots of moonshine. So grab a bottle, or a mug, or a flask (watch out – sometimes it burns through tin) and bar the windows; it’s time to get properly sozzled…

Take one sip…

Whenever someone speaks out of turn and mysteriously disappears

Make these teensy-weensy little sips; a lot of people do a LOT of talking out of turn and almost all of them disappear. Why? They’re being total badasses and the ruling state isn’t cool with that. We could let ourselves get depressed by this, we could ignore it, or we could turn them into martyrs. Or we could have a drink? Yeah. Let’s have a drink.

Whenever someone is a clone

Again, I hasten to add that you should make these sips small ones. If you’ve seen The Island, Never Let Me Go, Blade Runner or Brave New World, you’ll know that mass-manufactured peeps are the way of the future. Oh sure, we could get depressed about this, but depression is overrated. Alcoholism, however, has a certain retro charm. Especially now that alcohol is a contraband.

Whenever a robot has emotions

It’s weird, isn’t it? The more depressing humanity gets, the more the robots start making us feel bad about it. Whether it’s a benevolent mechanical dude, like in Artificial Intelligence, Bicentennial Man and Wall.E, or a psychotic supercomputer hellbent on our destruction (here’s looking at YOU, I, Robot) there’s always one out there. Watching us, copying us, learning to “feel” and, in the process, making us look like utter shits.

Take two sips…

When you suddenly realise that this so-called Brave New World ain’t all that

The state has utter control over you. You work for them, you kowtow to them, you give up your social freedom for them. So do we have any sense of autonomy? Maybe. Maybe if you take the RED PILL (a la The Matrix) your eyes will be opened, but they get pretty pissed about that. It’s basically a case of living life by their rules (is that a life?) or breaking the rules and dying. Horribly. Two sips are necessary to calm your nerves. It’s always better to face important choices like this when you’re wasted.

Whenever a previously considered enemy turns out to be an ally

Oh yeah. Propaganda may tell you that the mutants on Mars are sub-humans, or the natives in the reservation are “savages”, or the replicants are incapable of empathy… but they might be wrong, mightn’t they? And vice versa, obviously. Look at poor old Arnie in Total Recall. He put his faith in HIS VERY OWN SELF and HE stabbed HIMSELF in his VERY OWN BACK. So complicated. So very, very complicated.

Whenever those in power organise a fight to the death.

Apparently there’s nothing more that those in power like than a good old fight to the death. Totally ensures utter submissiveness from rebel states. Which is why you should practise the art of self-defense for at least one hour a day. That way, if you find yourself tossed into Battle Royale or The Hunger Games, you’ll be able to absolutely destroy all those other unfortunate souls. Plus you’ll be drunk, so you can pretend the entire event is some horrible dream…

Take three sips…

Whenever ONE PERSON transforms the dynamic of society FOREVER

Just like Jesus, there’s plenty of special one-off type people out there. Look out for the Neos and Katniss’ and Mals of your world. Befriend them, assist them, fall in love with them if you can; you may live longer. Then again, you may not. The Alliance tend to target the supporting characters first after all.

Whenever books get banned

The Nazis had their uniforms designed by Hugo Boss, so it’s no wonder they’re total trendsetters. Reading and writing can be considered THOUGHTCRIME in this world. Puts IDEAS into peoples heads. Nobody wants that. Ideas are dangerous. So don’t be surprised if the local book-burning wagon is making better business than usual…

Whenever it is nighttime.

Whaddaya mean, you don’t understand? Whenever the shit hits the fan in a dystopian society, it’s nighttime. Maybe the Sun doesn’t like looking at humankind destroying itself or something.

Whenever the mortally wounded hero / heroine manages to hang on and save the world…

If you are the hero of your dystopian world, you needn’t fear death. Sure, it may be dealt to you at some point but (and this is the big BUT) only AFTER you’ve saved the world. Mal Reynolds gets stuck with a blade in Serenity, but he manages to send out an incriminating video universewide. Quaid is ejected into space, sans-helmet, in Total Recall, yet he somehow survives atmospheric pressure and exploding-head syndrome. V manages to wreak all kinds of havoc post-shooting in V For Vendetta… and I could go on. I could, but all this alcohol is making me sleepy. And I need my wits about me with all those stormtroopers sniffing around outside!

THEY KNOW WE’RE IN HERE! DRINK THE EVIDENCE!!! DRINK. THE. EVIDENCE…

Whenever love finds a way…

God, I bet Dr Ian Malcolm is turning in his grave with THAT little line adaptation. But it’s true! It seems that, no matter how oppressive the society, the ultimate rebellion is the sweet act of love itself. Every single film, from The Handmaid’s Tale to Never Let Me Go to The Island, shows that the willingness to place your faith in another human being is the best way to show those in power that they don’t own every bit of you. And before you accuse me of being a romantic young fool, it doesn’t have to be THAT kind of love. Think The Road, which shows the bond between a father and son, or The Hunger Games, which rejoices in sisterhood.

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules.”

And if you don’t need to down your drink after that sickly-sweet little outburst, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you…