TAKE ONE SIP

Every time a seemingly ordinary road vehicle turns into a giant robot OR a seemingly ordinary giant robot turns into a road vehicle. You have to take five sips if you witness this in a film which isn’t part of a certain franchise…

Every time a robot checks files/analysis data/scans an area/self destructs/says ‘self destruct sequence initialised.’ Standard robo-behaviour.

Every time you can think of a useful multi-functional use for the said robot around your home. Eg: Sex robot Gigolo Joe from Artificial Intelligence can double as a home stereo system…  and a place to hang your coat.

TAKE TWO SIPS

Every time a robot says the name of the person they’re talking to. If you want to get drunk quickly try doing this with HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey: ”Hello, Dave. You’re looking well today. I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that, Dave. Without your space helmet, Dave? Your going to find that rather difficult, Dave. Look Dave, I can see you’re upset about this, Dave. I know I’ve made some poor decisions recently, Dave. Dave, stop. Stop, Dave. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going, I can feel it. Dave. Dav.. Da… D.’

Every time a robot has clearly caused a human to become become unemployed.
If you’ve come across the ‘put your baggage in the bagging area’ self service lady robot who works in Tesco, or the ‘take all your possessions with you when leaving the train’ lady robot who works on the Tube, then you’ll know that robots are coming over to this country and taking our jobs. Robo-butlers, robo-delivery men, robo-house wives… take a drink, you deserve it because, as Will Smith wisely points out in I, Robot, robots are just “shittin’ on the little guy”.

Every time a robot is a robo-racist stereotype. Whenever twin robots Skids and Mudflap from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ‘Talk Jive’ in rap-inspired street slang, are forced to acknowledge they can’t read, or you notice one of their gold teeth…

TAKE THREE SIPS

Every time a robot shows SIGNS OF HUMAN BEHAVIOUR. What’s that, HAL 9000? You’re AFRAID?m What’s that, NS-5 Sonny? You can dream? You can sketch? You are UNIQUE? The Iron Giant is made of metal, but he has feelings and he thinks about things, and that means he has a SOUL.

Every time the robot teaches the HUMANS something about HUMANITY. Whether it’s WALL-E picking up our rubbish while the entire human population expand and play video games in space, or when Frank’s Robot says “some things take time, Frank”, every time this happens it’s just so.. it’s just so… ironic. Not least because THEY’RE MADE OUT OF IRON OH GOD we kill ourselves.

Every time a human turns out to be a robot. Meet Dave! Dave is played by Eddie Murphy, he’s cool, he’s slick, he is strange and inappropriate, but he’s an all round nice guy, he’s OH MY GOD. DAVE JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR BUT GOT STRAIGHT BACK UP AGAIN. AND NOW ANOTHER, TINY EDDIE MURPHY IS COMING OUT OF DAVE’S EAR.

Meet Ash! Ash is the science officer of the Nostromo, he is quiet, logical and greatly adherent to company regulations, he’s OH MY GOD. ASH JUST TRIED TO MURDER RIPLEY AND GOT DECAPITATED AND NOW HIS SEVERED HEAD IS SPOUTING WHITE STUFF AND TELLING THE CREW THEIR LIVES ARE EXPENDABLE.

OMG! Dave and Ash are goddamn Robots!!

DOWN IT YOU FLAWED HUMAN! AND DON’T MESS IT UP, WITH ALL OF YOUR FLAWS.

Every time a robot learns how to love We humans are better than robots because we can say:  ‘You may be a Robot, BUT AT LEAST I CAN LOVE (repeated for emphasis) AT LEAST I CAN LOVE’. But, turns out, some robots can love too. There’s the robot who reaches enlightenment while working at a temple in Doomsday Book and of course, the T1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. In the words of Sarah Connor: “If a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life … maybe we can too.”

Whenever a robot shows signs of love down whatever you’re drinking – and you’re guaranteed to love whoever’s next to you, just that little bit more.

(Do you like how we didn’t mention C3PO? We’re finally sick of Star Wars – cheers for that, George, JJ. Not even the prequel trilogy made us HATE ARTOO.)

Try not to overload your circuits – see you next week!