Hollywood has mixed up a few of their taglines. We put them right.
We here at BestforFilm are big fans of recycling. Having taken a break from sorting our plastic from our paper, however, we have endeavoured to find new homes for some famous and forgotten movie taglines. While examples such as “In space, no one can hear you scream” (Alien, 1979) and “An adventure 65 million years in the making” (Jurassic Park, 1993) suit their respective features down to the ground, other taglines exist to mislead and are often more at home elsewhere.
Wild Wild West (1999)
The tagline: “If you see only one movie this summer, see Star Wars. But if you see two movies this summer, see Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”
Originally used for: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
Subtitled “It’s a whole new West” for its theatrical release, Wild Wild West wastes no time in sullying the TV show it was loosely based on. Released in 1999, it was quickly forgotten about until Battlestar Galactica creator Ron Moore resolved to retool the original show for CBS.
Sex and the City (2008)
The tagline: “This time you can’t change the channel.”
Originally used for: Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
Suggesting audiences might, for some inexplicable reason, wish to get ‘Carried away’, the original pun-trocity of a tagline at least foreshadowed the Sarah Jessica Parker-fest that the filmmaker’s had in store. With boyfriends everywhere being dragged along to watch an extended edition of the Carrie Bradshaw show, the film threatened no advert breaks, no escape and no alternative channels.
Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004)
The tagline: “Some guys just can’t handle Vegas.”
Originally used for: The Hangover (2009)
Opting for “the search for the lowest form of life on the planet is over”, we think “some guys just can’t handle Vegas” speaks a more elementary truth. A truly awful comedy, you might want to steer clear if you’re of the opinion that Johnny Vegas is the worst thing to happen to PG Tips since the last batch of monkeys.
Sex and the City 2 (2010)
The tagline: “The Bitch is Back”
Originally used for: Alien 3 (1992)
Not content with making another designer shed-load of money, Sarah Jessica Parker returns to inflict her toxic
personality – I mean character – on us once more. Having exhausted their collective imagination with the first tagline’s play on Carrie’s name, the designers clearly thought it safe to stick with “Carrie on”. No thanks. This time managing to alienate fans and skeptics alike, our alternative tagline’s reference to a drooling alien queen seems just as relevant here.
Die Hard 4 (2007)
The tagline: “Some sagas just won’t die.”
Originally used for: Vampires Suck (2010)
While Indiana Jones might have been saved from a nuclear explosion by hiding in a durable fridge, he did so in a film featuring aliens and a franchise at home with magic and immortality. John McClane, however, took a break from reality in his last trilogy-defying outing to ride a fighter craft. While there are many franchises that refuse to back down, this fourquel is perhaps the least justifiable.
Paranormal Activity (2009)
The tagline: “Be afraid. Be kind of afraid.”
Originally used for: Scooby-Doo (2002)
Recommending that audiences “Don’t see it alone” – after all; what’s one customer when you can charge two – Paranormal Activity promised to be the scariest horror movie of the year. Delivering, in actual fact, perhaps one decent scare amid two hours of patience-testing ‘found footage’, Scooby-Doo at least had the decency to welcome customers with realistically low expectations.
Don’t Mess With The Zohan (2009)
The tagline: “The search for the lowest form of life on the planet is over”.
Originally used for: Sex Lives of the Potato Men (2004)
With Adam Sandler defying all that is good and committing crimes against cinema at an alarming rate with his ongoing career, the star reached an all time low with Don’t Mess With The Zohan. In the search for the planet’s lowest form of life; you can put down the binoculars, retire the magnifying glass and reach for the pitchforks.
My Sister’s Keeper (2009)
The tagline: “This is one sad family.”
Originally used for: Death at a Funeral (2010).
Forfeiting a tagline lest they give the misery away, the allusion to the director having been involved with The Notebook promises a oestrogen friendly tale of love conquering all. With a ninety-tissue ending, an honest subtitle is needed to counter claims of false advertising.
The Women (2008)
The tagline: “5 good reasons to stay single.”
Originally used for: Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994)
With each character proving more vapid and unsympathetic than the last, this pointless adaptation presents three botoxed and airbrushed reasons never to get married. Having clearly missed a few waves of feminism mid-gossip, the messages these women broadcast are so confused and contradictory that you’d never know whether their hair looked better up or down.
The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (2007)
The tagline: “What happens when the numbers run out?”
Originally used for: The Knowing (2009).
Wow, really? This is still going? A joyful animated romp, the first Land Before Time introduced audiences to the “long-neck” Little Foot. Plagued with the same growth deficiency as the Simpson children, Little Foot has survived the last 22 years particularly unphased. While the numbers took a small eternity to run out in Nicholas Cage’s brain-numbing The Knowing, it is beginning to look like they never will for this eternal saga. Diminishing returns? Bah! We stopped making money decades ago.
The tagline: “Resisitence is futile.”
Originally used for: Star Trek: First Contact (1996).
Forcing Bella Swan and Edward Cullen down a generation’s throats, Summit have built a production company around The Twilight Saga – feeding off it like one of Stephenie Meyer’s repressed sparkly vampires. Transforming book-stores and brainwashing old ladies, there is no escaping this poorly-researched assault on the ‘horror’ genre. Whoever you are, wherever you are (that includes you, Unimatrix Zero!), resistance is futile.
The Dark Knight (2008)
The tagline: “Don’t let the fancy clothes fool you.”
Originally used for: Mr Deeds (2002)
Tying with South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut‘s “Uh Oh, The Critics Love It”, you might want to leave your predilections regarding superheroes at the door. Should you go in expecting this to be a fun romp about a man wearing a bat outfit, you may be disappointed by this procedural crime drama masquerading as a superhero movie. Hailed as the best ever, Christopher Nolan neglects pathos, emotion and humour in favour of growling voices and gritty realism. If you want to see a very good (but slightly overrated) crime drama that just happens to feature Christian Bale wearing a funny costume, stick with this. If you want to watch the best superhero movie of 2008, however, try Iron Man or Helboy 2: The Golden Army. On second thoughts, “Why So Serious?” works just fine.