Orange(Wednesday)s And Lemons #38

*Things are all aflutter at BFF Towers this week. Partially because there’s LOADS AND LOADS OF GOOD STUFF OUT, partially because Polanski’s back on the prowl, but mainly because John’s really angry about getting out all his tweed only for the sun to shine about like some kind of dickhead.*

Kayleigh (has just discovered her love of toads):
This week, without a shadow of a doubt, I’m handing my orange to the long-anticipated re-release of Jurassic Park. Why? This was the first film that I ever saw at the cinema and I still remember it like it was yesterday; the usher gave me a quizzical look, before rolling his eyes resignedly and letting my Dad take me into this reptile-riddled gore-fest, where the shock of seeing a T-Rex knocked me senseless; for the first time ever in my brief life I was lost for words. Those giant reptiles so should have ruled the Earth; it would have been like The Flintstones, only with more painful death scenes and lots of running. Dinosaurs rule, Spielberg is a God. On the other hand, I’m squirting lemon juice squarely in the eye of Abduction. It basically looks like the Bourne Identity, only with less story and more Taylor Lautner topless. Sure, he looks nice topless, but I’m bored of that now. Twilight has rendered me immune to his ungodly pecs. COVER THE F*CK UP LAUTNER!

Orange Choice: Jurassic Park
Ultimate Lemon: Abduction


Caroline (eats, sleeps, breathes and rides gladiators):
It’s been a week for short straws at Best For Film. The one I pulled happens to be Killer Elite, the latest THINGS BLOW UP picture with Jason Statham in it. I’ve watched the trailer three times and the only thing I can discern from it is a) Robert De Niro is in it b) things do indeed blow up and c) it features the song ‘Rock You Like A Hurricane’ by Scorpions. Awesome a song as that obviously is, it’s simply not enough for me to be excited about having to see this action-by-numbers crapola. Filled with orangey goodness however, is Crazy, Stupid, Love. It’s not crazy, or stupid, but I sense I may be falling in love with it. Lesbian fan fiction of me and Emma Stone is forthcoming.

Orange Choice: Crazy Stupid Love
Ultimate Lemon: Killer Elite


Papa Neish (Captain of Industry, whatever that means):
My God two and a half hours is a long time. As if Eat, Pray, Love wasn’t proof enough that three unrelated words, divided by commas, is about as ominous as the words “starring Steve Carell”, Glenn Ficarra and John Requa have created a film so laborious that not even Julianne Moore can keep the clock ticking. Crazy, Stupid, Love is a film about suits, garden furniture and drinking straws; it has characters, but eagerly trades them in for a scattering of smirk-worthy gags and a ‘twist’ so unnecessary and contrived that M. Night Shyamalan left it on the shelf, untouched, in favour of killer shrubbery. Go see Jurassic Park again instead. I vote adventure, not 65 million years of waiting.

Orange Choice: Jurassic Park
Ultimate Lemon: Crazy, Stupid, Love


I was watching BBC News 24 the other morning, and Nicolas Winding-Refn was doing an interview, and during that interview Nicolas Winding-Refn said “fucking”, then looked genuinely confused when asked to apologise. For this reason, and everything else about it, I have to see Drive. Soul Surfer almost had me at ‘Shark-based limb-removal’, but then it had to go and spoil it by being heavily about the redeeming power of Jesus, and by basically being a TV movie. I just KNOW the soundtrack is going to heavily feature acoustic strums and that weird cymbal roll that sounds like sparkling.

Orange Choice: Drive
Ultimate Lemon: Soul Surfer


John (isn’t quite sure if he ‘gets’ Ralph Fiennes):
To be honest, the girls have nailed it this week. Tonight I’d really like to see Drive AND Jurassic Park AND Crazy, Stupid, Love, although I’d settle for any of the three – Ryan Gosling, dinosaurs and more Ryan Gosling sounds like a recipe for #winning to me. To be honest, the only thing I really don’t want to see is Abduction, the predictably sub-Bourne dross starring Taylor Lautner’s pecs, abs and horrible lumpy face. But guess what I’m going to see? I’m telling you, folks, sometimes being a film critic isn’t all that…

Orange Choice: Anything but Abduction
Ultimate Lemon: Abduction


*Sounds like a pretty convincing vote for goslings and raptors versus horrible thick-necked man-children with brow ridges which suggest an amorous encounter between siblings, doesn’t it? See you next week?*

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