Orange (Wednesday)s and Lemons #80

*The ramparts of Best For Film Towers are virtually undefended today as everyone makes plans to skive off and go see Batman. It’s bound to be another consensus week, surely? Hannah’s up first:*

Hannah (sees now through a glass, darkly):
Sigh…well this is a slow start to what is FINALLY summer. If I were a conspiracy theorist I would say that the lack of releases this week is all part of some Nolany plot to make sure that TDKR breaks box office records, but I’m not, so I shan’t. In which case my sweet, summery orange this week has to be The Dark Knight Rises even though the thought of spending three hours in the dark whilst it is finally nice outside pains me. What also pains me is the sound of Tortoise in Love which despite the poorly chosen title has nothing to do with cute, little tortoises finding life partners and features no animated tortoises by Disney Pixar. Whatever, I’m going sunbathing.

Orange Choice: The Dark Knight Rises
Ultimate Lemon: Tortoise in Love


Kathryn (Not Babe Ruth, the other one):
After a stream of promo as relentless as everyone’s Heath Ledger/Joker hangover, The Dark Knight Rises is FINALLY out. I may have already seen it, but as everyone knows, women are capable of multiple nerdgasms in a way that men aren’t, and I would like to cash in on that happy fact. Bangtidy Batboys, a cracking, if mumbly villain and Anne Hathaway in a catsuit are just some of the treats awaiting you when – not if – you see it. Conversely, Interview with a Hitman has the cheek to proclaim to be anything new or interesting when it’s about a Russian assassin in the mob. And here I was thinking hitmen were primarily Cornish or something. My bad.

Orange Choice: The Dark Knight Rises
Ultimate Lemon: Interview with a Hitman


*So far, so good. John’s bound to toe the party line, he’s well boring…*

John (rain-dancing with all his might):
OBVIOUSLY I’m also Oranging The Dark Knight Rises – we’ve spent four years writing about the bloody thing every other day (it’s seemed more like every other minute in 2012), so it’s imperative that everyone goes as quickly as possible before the Internet is inevitably flooded with spoilers. I don’t really care what you don’t see, so I’m going to arbitrarily Lemon Thattathin Marayathu because that’s a ridiculous name for a film. Fortunately, it’s only actually showing in one cinema in Birmingham – all the more reason to turn your nose up at it.

Orange Choice: The Dark Knight Rises
Ultimate Lemon: Thattathin Marayathu


Tessa (latent psychosis suspected):
I won’t be at the cinema this evening, I’ll be dancing my heart out in the Olympic stadium in the dress rehearsal for ‘The Greatest Show on Earth’ *sigh* I’m in it and even I think it’s not going to be very good. Mostly though, I’ve started to think that because of the relentless onslaught of abuse from this Olympic/sporting/happiness hating office. If I was free and I was on Orange and I had a friend I’d be taking them to see The Dark Knight Rises. OBVIOUSLY. Best film of the week, best film of the year, thumbs up from me. What would I be avoiding like the plague? Something called Lola Versus. I saw one tiny snippet of the trailer and a woman fell over. STOP FALLING OVER WOMEN! Have some self-re-chuffing-spect. Yet another ditsy but cute girl next door type doing stupid things and getting herself into scrapes but you know, still being inherently hot. ENOUGH ALREADY

Orange Choice: The Dark Knight Rises
Ultimate Lemon: Lola Versus


*Four for four! But… what’s this? Heretic! HERETIC!*

Papa Neish (burning Korans on a bonfire made from American flags):
I’m not a hater, trying to be difficult or trolling for lemons (there were elements I rather enjoyed – mainly Catwoman – making this for me the undisputed best of the three), but I didn’t like The Dark Knight Rises very much. I just don’t have enough invested in Christian Bale’s miserable billionaire, his panoramic boardrooms or the dark – so very dark – dealings of his shouty alter-ego. I never have, and most likely never will. The situation is only exacerbated when Christopher Nolan insists on making the thing twelve hours long, shooting it from a relentlessly glossy distance and filling it with BIG IMPORTANT IDEAS played terribly by Marion Cotillard. Maybe that’s why I preferred The Amazing Spider-Man; the cast were likeable, the characters engaging and the story accessible. After all, I might have been a teenage boy just trying to find his way in the world, but I’ve never been a playboy proxy in a cape.

Orange Choice: The Amazing Spider-Man
Ultimate Lemon: The Dark Knight Rises


*Jesus. If any of you want Papa Neish’s address, let us know. GO AND SEE BATMAN NOW!*

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