Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #103
*And so it has come to pass that another team of Best For Film interns are saddling up and riding into their futures. Ray, Carlotta, we hardly knew ye…*
Carlotta (possesses literally no child pornography):
Wheeeeeeeeey! For the first time in like, MONTHS, I am actually stuck on what to see this week. My orange is currently balancing between Lore and Cloud Atlas because both look great in completely different and exciting ways. But decisions need to be made. Oranges need to be squeezed. So I’m going to implore you all to see Cloud Atlas because A) Ben Whishaw B) Tom Hanks C) “sprawling transgenred character-filled wallop” – which sounds like my cup of freshly squeezed. Crawl is awarded my lemon for the week mainly because horror films that unintentionally make me laugh MAKE ME SO ANGRY. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG, HORROR FILMMAKERS! Crawl is the big fat bloody cherry on top of a big fat mouldy cake that symbolises the state of horror in the last year or two. All in all, PUMPED to see Cloud Atlas, not so much to see a scary movie that gets compared to Fantasia. Nuff said.
Orange Choice: Cloud Atlas
Ultimate Lemon: Crawl
Ray (turned up ALMOST on time today):
This week I’m going to see To the Wonder again because I didn’t understand it the first time and only pretended that I did in my review. It looked lovely, and I like looking at lovely things without necessarily understanding it. The music was great, Ben Affleck didn’t talk much, and there were no dinosaurs this time, unlike in The Tree of Life, when there were most certainly some very unexpected dinosaurs. Or did I dream that? I could have fallen asleep I suppose… Anyway, Orange for Terrence. I still don’t want to see Wreck-it-Ralph. I’ll probably be universally condemned for my lazy opinion but I just don’t think I’ll be very pleased with myself if I either go alone to see this, or take someone else. This sort of thing is for small children and parents. That is who it is made for. I am neither, as far as I am aware, and do not intend to go to the cinema to see a film for children until I’m a patriarch or in my dotage. Lemon for thee Ralph.
Orange Choice: To The Wonder
Ultimate Lemon: Wreck-It Ralph
Kayleigh (wants to be Jabba the Hutt’s babysitter, or something):
Look, I’ve already told you I’m giving my orange to Lore this week. This post-Holocaust drama is bound to open your eyes to an entirely different victim of Hitler’s regime – the children, raised on Nazi propaganda, fed on endless lies and left, orphaned, confused and completely and utterly lost when the Allies invaded Germany. So what if it didn’t bag that Best Foreign Film award? Statuettes aren’t everything – just ask Leonardo DiCaprio if you don’t believe me. My lemon goes to Crawl, obviously. Nobody should ever try and force themselves to sit through that utterly baffling movie.
Orange Choice: Lore
Ultimate Lemon: Crawl
John (developing a grape dependency):
This week I’m going to make one more attempt to see Run For Your Wife, because Danny bloody Dyer is not going to beat me into submission no matter how often he threatens to cut my face. That’s all there is to it. My lemon, however, is being candy-coated and used as the doorknob for a whimsical sweetie house of fairy-tale hatred, because Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is out today and there’s literally nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do to avoid it. Gemma Arterton with a crossbow, Jeremy Renner with diabetes and Famke Janssen with a CGIed face? If you want me I’ll be in the oven, slowly burning away along with Hollywood’s integrity.
Orange Choice: Run For Your Wife
Ultimate Lemon: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
*Ah well, all flesh is grass and so on. See you next week for a BRAND NEW TEAM’s opinions!*