*The goodly folk of Best For Film Towers were quietly painting eggs in preparation for Easter when the unthinkable happened; Nina unknowingly recited the most powerful catechism ever written. Now a brain-guzzling Zombie Jesus is coming at us – and he does NOT look impressed by our pagan chocolate rituals. Guys, unleash your film bullets – let’s send this undead shuffler back to the rock he crawled out from under…*

Sarah, Jesus is coming. Look menacing!

Sarah (muttering Bible passages backwards):
The whole of the UK is at Danny Boyle’s mercy since his stellar opening ceremony at last year’s Olympics. Who can blame them? The man who could get the queen to parachute out of a plane and Mr Bean to resurface is a bit of a legend. Resultantly, Boyle’s latest film Trance gets my vote for Orange this week. Ok, so it stars Rosario Dawson who is GORGEOUS but only in it because she’s Boyle’s current squeeze, but there’s also James McAvoy. I love McAvoy. McAvoy for Prime Minister. Or he can have David Milliband’s old job, seeing as that’s going begging now. Meanwhile on the Lemon front is Jack the Giant Slayer. Not only did it change its name from the awesome-sounding Jack the Giant Killer because it sounded too negative (really?), but it looks like Twilight meets The Three Musketeers meets…. a sink full of lemons. British crumpets Ewan McGregor and Nicholas Hoult are fine actors indeed, but this latest attempt to launch them into the Hollywood blockbuster stratosphere is dire. Must do better.

Orange Choice: Trance
Ultimate Lemon: Jack The Giant Slayer

Good work Sarah, he DEFINITELY stumbled on his robes a bit there. John, what’ve you got?

John (sharpening his crosier):
This week’s Orange is dyed green in honour of Reincarnated, Snoop Dogg Lion’s unlikely paean to Rastafari, reggae and reefer (nobody says reefer any more, but alliteration > everything). Whatever its faults – and I’m sure they are legion – the prospect of a film starring the Doggfather in a half-arsed journey round the West Indies might just shake my shameful underlying suspicion that documentaries are a bit rubbish. My lemon is obviously going to The Croods – just as registered sex offenders are required to tell neighbourhood families of their predilection for the less-than-legal, I believe Nicolas Cage has a moral duty not to hide behind animation when he pollutes a film with his presence.

OrangeChoice: Reincarnated
Ultimate Lemon: The Croods

John, that was outstanding. He’s only gone and lost a bloody sandal – Kayleigh, you’re up!

Kayleigh (using sacramental wine and torn vestments to make Molotov cocktails):
You know what I really, definitely, absolutely, 100% DON’T want to see in cinemas tonight? 12 In A Box. Any film that uses a 5 minute cameo from Miranda Hart as its biggest selling point is never going to make you feel good about life. I urge everyone out there to stay the hell away from this insufferable comedy and its limited cinematic release – it’s a lemon in its truest form, trust me. My orange, on the other hand, goes to Jack the Giant Slayer. Why? Firstly, it has Ewan McGregor wearing shiny armour and tossing his shiny hair. Secondly, it has GIANTS in it – actual proper giants. What more could you bloody want from a movie?!

Orange Choice: Jack The Giant Slayer
Ultimate Lemon: 12 In A Box

Zombie Jesus may be on fire, but he still presses forward with all the unstoppable force of a religious zealot. Blimey. Anyone else want to step in here? Nina? Megan? Anyone? GUYS?!

Alex (always on hand to save the day, Old Testament-style):
GI Joe: Retaliation is getting so much orange from me this week that it could pass for a local in an Essex nightclub. I mean, have you seen the trailer? It’s got The Rock AND Bruce Willis! There’s a motorbike that turns into MISSILES! There are NINJAS fighting on MOUNTAINS and probably ROBOTS with LASERS and maybe some CLEAVAGE and definitely BIG SHOOTY GUNS and PEW PEW BANG! BOOOOOM! WhooshCRACK! too! So yeah. Fun! Identity Thief, meanwhile, is getting so many lemons it could rid the world of scurvy for generations to come. Jason Bateman deserves so much better.
Orange Choice: GI Joe: Retaliation
Ultimate Lemon: Identity Thief

Thanks Alex, it looks like you’ve almost finished him off. Who wants to land the final blow?

Duncan (spouting his unholy water like there’s no tomorrow – which there may not be, if this doesn’t work):
As a former Best For Film intern discovered last week, I’m a rabid Danny Boyle fan who’s not above gutting and eating his detractors. 127 Hours and Slumdog Millionaire may *kinda* blow, but Sunshine and 28 Days Later smash my gut like few others, and Trainspotting remains a perfect film. Trance is a shoo in, and, luckily, looks great. Instead of going after anything actually bad, I’m punishing The Croods for inspiring in me the kind of ambivalence normally reserved for new popes and Pinterest. It’s not just that I don’t care – I don’t think it’s even something I’m biologically capable of reacting to. It’ll just sit there, like moss, and will affect me in no way.

Orange Choice: Trance
Ultimate Lemon: The Croods

*And, with that, Zombie Jesus slowly topples backwards and disappears with a blinding flash of light. Judgement Day has NARROWLY BEEN AVERTED, once again, thanks to the sterling efforts of the Best For Film team. No need to thank us, it’s just what we do best…*