Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #18

*The mood at Best For Film Towers is one of excitement and joyful new beginnings – we miss Ducktales, obviously, but life must go on. In fact, it must go on in the direction of Richard…*

Richard (fancies Jake Gyllenhaal):
I’mma go all artsy on your asses. Terrence Malick? Father son conflict? Baby’s feet? Random shots of planets and stars and shit? Oo! And Sean Penn?! YES PLEASE. Beastly on the other hand… Ok. Two things I hate to see in films: 1) Vanessa Hudgens. 2) Alex Pettyfer. Oh wait, three things. 3) Mary-Kate Olsen. Need I say more? Besides from the fact this looks like a deeply pitiful modern adaptation of a classic tale, I would rather maim myself into a horrible man beast and search the rest of my life for my true love/a witch to fix me again than sit through this soggy armpit of a film.

Orange Choice: The Tree of Life
Ultimate Lemon: Beastly


John (has been using a staple remover to pretend he’s a TOOTHY SNAKE):
You think you’re artsy? Boy, you don’t even know about artsy. Artsy is Ray Winstone Maori-hunting in 1902 New Zealand – specifically, hunting a Maori played by Jango Fett! I foresee many “where’s your jetpack, you dickhead?” chants, and that’s just fine because they’ll be ARTSY CHANTS, Richard. Artsy. About as unartsy as you can get, however, is yet another hackneyed film about possession, creepy kids and stupid creatures from Hell or Croydon or somewhere – the fact that the antagonist in Insidious is called ‘Lipstick Face Demon’ should tell you all you need to know…

Orange Choice: Tracker
Ultimate Lemon: Insidious


*Blimey. Looks like Kob’s got something to say about this…*

Kob (fears no man of woman born):
Torture porn is old news and found footage is boring. It’s time to go back to the traditions of Horror and Insidious, for my money, does exactly that. It won’t blow your mind but it doesn’t need to, its a good, uncomplicated horror film that’s about astral projection! Astral projection! That’s much more fun than seeing someone’s leg being cut off. I would be more interested in watching Insidious than Water for Elephants. What does that title even mean? Has Christopher Waltz become the go-to-bad guy now? Looks like a waste of his talent… And R-Patz is in it? If you see it let me know if he’s learned how to act.

Orange Choice: Insidious
Ultimate Lemon: Water for Elephants


Sarah (hangs out with Richard Branson. No, really):
I can’t wait for Water for Elephants. Starring *scream* Robert Pattinson playing a vet-not-a-vampire cuddling up to scantily clad sweetheart Reese Witherspoon in fetching circus feathers. And who doesn’t love elephants? Do I even care about the plot? Hell no. As for Cedar Rapids, the star power of (ahem) Anne Heche and Ed Helms is not quite so dazzling. A film which is trying and failing to be The (Insurance) Hangover isn’t big, and it isn’t clever. John C Reilly, you have never been less funny (and that’s saying something).

Orange Choice: Water for Elephants
Ultimate Lemon: Cedar Rapids


*This is all getting rather heated – fortunately, Tash is around to spread lovely, bland week-old oil on the artfully rumpled butter of conflict, or whatever that expression is:*

Tash (is hiding a dead estate agent in her room for reasons known only to her):

Last week I was a little unsure about the soil-exploding world of Thor, but its become clear to me now that I could hardly call myself a woman of immortal hammer-wielding leisure if I didn’t see it. I’m still not convinced that Natalie Portman will be anything except face-gapingly disappointing, but gosh darn it, cast me to the pits of Niflheim if I do betray the Marvel cause. My lemon is Beastly. Oh the horror. Oh the deep, crushing horror of Beastly.

Orange Choice: Thor
Ultimate Lemon: Beastly


*Hurrah, it’s Papa Neish! Please agree with someone, Papa Neish! Conflict is so exhausting…*

Papa Neish (keeps going on about catfish, the whiskery bastards):
Having now seen Thor in literally every dimension known to man, I feel semi-qualified to direct you to Thor in 3D, the medium giving proceedings an otherworldly glean that even renders the beautifully disappointing end of credits scene almost worth waiting for. So who is bathing in lemon juice this week? While the answer is quite clearly Cedar Rapids (I’ll just wait for The Hangover: Part II thanks), I can’t help paying lip-service to Insidious‘ complete and utter citrus-confusion. Neither an orange nor a lemon, the film is a ghoulishly GM crop that may well put you off fruit forever.

Orange Choice: Thor
Suspicious Kiwi Affair: Insidious
Ultimate Lemon: Cedar Rapids


Deirdre (can literally juggle fire):
If there is one thing the South Koreans are good at, it’s making movies. If there’s something they’re the best at its making revenge based thrillers! I am expecting nothing less than brilliance. With a beautifully edited trailer and what appears to be a man attacking a windscreen with a hammer, there is no excuse for missing out! Insidious, however, we’ve seen before – a young child getting injured (who hurts themselves that badly falling off a ladder? Is he 80?!), a rocking horse moving by itself (it’s Satan! Or did you just leave the windows open?), strange voices coming over the baby monitor and an old woman who knows the truth, (cos the older you get the closer to God you are, don’tcha know). No.

Orange Choice: I Saw The Devil
Ultimate Lemon: Insidious


*It’s time to wrap things up before Kob retaliates again – you have your orders. See you next week!*

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