Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #19

This week Best For Film Towers is feeling more than a little extra-terrestrial. Can you guess why? That’s right, it’s the tenth anniversary of Douglas Adams’ death – or, as we will doubtless be saying in the future, the day Deirdre had to EAT HER WORDS. Read on!*


John (bought a whole ox tongue yesterday):
I feel like I should be repping Attack the Block this week, but it’s inevitably going to dominate this conversation so I will instead throw my considerable weight behind French director Rachid Bouchareb’s remarkable (and Oscar-nominated) Outside the Law, a searing vision of the conflicts and heartbreak which swirl just below the dusty pages of history books on the Algerian Civil War. It’s extraordinary. It’s also extraordinary that anyone bothered to make Everywhere + Nowhere – this is, let me remind you, a film for which the tag-line reads: “Finally! A modern, realistic, gritty drama with a bangin’ soundtrack”. That’s “bangin“, yes. I’d rather have my teeth broken.

Orange Choice: Outside the Law
Ultimate Lemon: Everywhere + Nowhere


Sarah (will countersign your passport application if the price is right):
Fast cars, Vin Diesel, Paul ‘baby blues’ Walker and about one trillion horse power (perhaps) I am right up for Fast Five. Will this juggernaut of a franchise never end? Please say no, Jordana Brewster might not get another job. Who wouldn’t want to see a bunch of car-driving bank robbers rob a bank by literally driving away with the safe? We’ve even got The Rock trying to outmuscle the Diesel. Love it. On the other hand, I am still dabbing TCP on my scratched out eyeholes after the truly atrocious non-rom-com Something Borrowed. A gooey sentimental idiotic freak of a movie that should never, ever be seen. Perhaps someone could borrow my memory and wipe it clean of this dirge?

Orange Choice: Fast Five
Ultimate Lemon: Something Borrowed


*Papa Neish has come to visit before he goes off on a film holiday! Hello, Papa Neish!*
Papa Neish (is splashing off to Cannes like a proper journalist!):
It’s not often that I go to the cinema on a Wednesday. Preferring to get my week’s viewing while the going’s quiet on Monday and Tuesday, I tend to leave Wednesday to the thronging masses and their cyber-coupons. Having so far missed Attack the Block on TWO separate occasions *tightens cilice*, I am left with little choice but to join the heard. My willingness to queue, and most likely sit within feet of someone called Chlamidya (her parents can’t even spell!), is testament to just how awesome this movie is going to be. Seriously, Attack the Block is so orange it’s practically T-Mobile. Something Borrowed, on the other hand, couldn’t entice me off of a spider-ridden bed of nails. After all, Kate Hudson is to movies what dry rot is to building timber: a terrible actress. Or something.

Orange Choice: Attack the Block
Ultimate Lemon: Something Borrowed


Kob (works as one of those odd robots in key-cutters’ windows at the weekend):
My Orange choice this week is Thor. It has Natalie Portman in it (WIN), it has Chris Hemsworth (WIN), it has a decent story, good visuals and Dutch angles (WIN,WIN,WIN). If I was Charlie Sheen then I would say that this film is ‘WINNING’. That’s a lot more than I can say for Priest… I haven’t seen Legion but I hear it’s terrible and this kind of looks the same. I’m not optimistic about it, despite the cool looking fight scenes and Karl Urban. Perhaps what’s worse thing is that it’ll be in 3D and try as I might I won’t find it in 2D. If the poor story gives me a headache I dread to think what the 3D would do. File it under “Do not want”.

Orange Choice: Thor
Ultimate Lemon: Priest


Deirdre (is probably going to get munched by a big alien):
I am terribly excited about the prospect of sitting in a darkened room for 141 minutes and watching Samurai band together in their mission to kill an evil lord! Given the reviews 13 Assassins is getting, it seems as though it may even rival Akira Kurosawa’s classic Seven Samurai; I could be getting miles ahead of myself, but with five stars from every source it’s going to be epic. On the flip side I am lemoning Attack the Block. The reason for this is that I said it and now I am being ridiculed from all sides. The same happened with Harry Potter. I may be missing out; but I like being stubborn.

Orange Choice: 13 Assassins
Ultimate Lemon: Attack the Block


*Oh, what? WHAT? Shit just got real. Richard has something to say about all this…*
Richard (feared throughout the length and breadth of this great country by CHAIRS):
After hearing Deirdre’s utter dismissal of Attack The Block I shall be making it my orange. It clearly beats every film ever to combine a South London estate and an alien invasion. I’m excited by any film that could possibly merge science-fiction with the words ‘murk’ and ‘bruv’. Ya get me? Priest however does NOT excite me. There’s something earth shatteringly bad about Paul Bettany putting on a deep voice, shaving his head and pretending to be an action star. You were in Wimbledon, mate. I used to like vampires too but that’s been screwed. THANKS A LOT, TWILIGHT SAGA.

Orange Choice: Attack The Block
Ultimate Lemon: Priest


Tash (has discovered she doesn’t really give a shit about puppies):
This week I am TOSSING MY ORANGES about like a film blogger tosses vague and confusing sexual innuendos; on the one hand you’ve got Hanna – Saoirse Ronan being all lithe and serious-murdery, and on the other you’ve got Christopher Plummer in a wistful cartoon about a dog. Yeah that’s right, Captain Von Fucking Trapp getting all teary eyed about a pastely Alsatian in My Dog Tulip; if that doesn’t pull on your heartstrings you’re heart is probably made out of a bit of wall. But there’s no such emotional turmoil over my lemon this week: Something Borrowed is clearly the most toxic thing to hit our screens since Adam Sandler in whatever film he was in last. Kate Hudson’s smug, curly lips and loads of ‘mates’ horribly stabbing each-other in the back in the name of romantic LOLZ. Hideous.

Orange Choice: My Dog Tulip
Ultimate Lemon: Something Borrowed


*Dogs, gods, aliens, priests, cars and tiny assassins – this is such a LAD week. Go forth!*

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