Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #25

*The lack of cheerful minions has meant that fair-weather BFF team John and Tash have actually had to do some work this week, causing them to nearly die. As a result, we join them in the BFF kitchens, frantically churning out freshly baked words to satiate the hungry masses*

Tash (covered in noun-batter):
This week there’s really only one film worthy of your blood-lust (constant blood-lust) and that’s Stake Land. FINALLY, a return to proper, horrible vampires that don’t worry about getting innards all over their lovely suits. It’s fast, furious, low-budget and mega-stylish – with a terrifying religious cult thrown in for funsies. In terms of what not to see, I’m still really quite angry at Ryan Reynolds for proving everyone I argue with about Ryan Reynolds with right. You’re better than Green Lantern, Ryan. We’re all better than Green Lantern.

Orange Choice: Stake Land
Ultimate Lemon: Green Lantern


John (just cut his knuckle on a verb-grater):
This week I will be distributing not an orange but an orange (that’s ‘orange’ in a French accent), in honour of the sugary yet tart French farce Potiche. Catherine Deneuve, GĂ©rard Depardieu and the Bee Gees all in the same film? It must be love! My lemon, however, will be provocatively carved with a Star of David before being forced into Mel Gibson’s evil squinting scrotum-face; The Beaver looks like the worst sort of half-arsed funny/schmaltzy cinematic melange, and I shall have no part of it.

Orange Choice: Potiche
Ultimate Lemon: The Beaver


*God bless Sarah Louise Dean, she’s come back to help us with the pastry:*

Sarah (must be stopped from deliberately putting in too much powdered irony):
I’ll rain my oranges all over Bridesmaids, the film I have been waiting for all year. How could I not go all orangey in the face with pleasure over Kristen Wiig’s exceptionally funny take on all this bridal nonsense. And if that isn’t enough, you’ve got extra added evil Jon Hamm and the I.T. Crowd’s Chris O’Dowd to swoon over, should you get bored of laughing hysterically at funny women in too-tight pink dresses. I’ll lemon-sponge in the face Bad Teacher simply because Cameron Diaz badly needs a slap. Look love, we all know you look good in tiny Daisy Duke shorts but when was the last time you did some actual ACTING? Bad, Bad Teacher indeed.

Orange Choice: Bridesmaids
Ultimate Lemon: Bad Teacher


Papa Neish (always has to use a jug to measure the apostrophes):
This week you simply must watch The Beaver, a bitter-sweet tale of depression and recovery that quite simply demands your eyes – tear ducts and all. Mel Gibson rocks the wrinkled look, taking the time out of his busy, tabloid-ridden life to perfect a delightfully not-awful cockney accent while Jennifer Lawrence proves that she doesn’t need a cold bone or naked mutation to win our affections. Should you not take my advice, and this being the U.K. box-office you probably won’t, then you have an unenviable choice to make: Green Lantern or Bad Teacher. I feel it my duty to warn you that each is as God-awful as the other, and – whichever monstrosity you ultimately choose to finance – you will likely soon be sporting a tatty puppet of your own.

Orange Choice: The Beaver
Ultimate Lemon: Green Lantern
Further Ultimate Lemon: Bad Teacher


*Magda’s been up to her ears in a tureen of whimsy casserole up until this point, but a compliment for The Beaver is enough to bring her back to the land of the living…*

Magda (buys her adjectives in 5kg economy bags from Lidl):
The Beaver tastes of lemon to me: two film genres spliced together as awkwardly as Mel Gibson and a hand puppet. Actress/director Jodie Foster is and always has been a talented babe… but, you know, in front of the camera. I shall pick TWO lovely oranges today – Stake Land (vampire dystopia slathered in gore-drenched Kierkegaardian despair) and Potiche (hooray! At last, a funny French comedy! I’ve been yearning to shove those words together since the nineties!)

Orange Choice: Potiche
Other Orange Choice: Stake Land
Ultimate Lemon: The Beaver


What will you be munching for your Wednesday treat? Let us know below, and we’ll see you next week (when NEW SCRIBBLERS will be arriving at Best For Film Towers!)*

About The Author