*Thankful to have military backup once again, John and Tash have taken to enjoying the sunshine in short skirts (too short, if you ask Tash), whilst Magda is off somewhere hunting prey for the evening’s weasel feast. They can just about stretch to languidly dictating a few recommendations. Only until their mojitos get re-filled, of course*

Tash (mistakes Spotify ads for genuine music):

This week there’s really only one film worth your juicy adulation, and that’s Bridesmaids. Written and starring the utterly brilliant Kristen Wiig, ignore everyone who’s telling you it’s “the female Hangover” – it’s about fifteen million times better than that. Warm, witty, silly and utterly disgusting, those ladies will sort you out good and proper. In terms of what not to watch, it’s an angrily diced and overly expensive lemon from Gordon Ramsey: the ridiculously crap Love’s Kitchen. All you need to know is that it’s so far made £121. That’s slightly less than Gordon pays to have his creases scraped.

Orange Choice: Bridesmaids
Ultimate Lemon: Love’s Kitchen

John (has given up sex and drinking, except for perfume and hookers. They don’t count, right?):

Do you know what my favourite things are? Probably not, so here they are: 1) films, 2) mysteries and 3) Quebec. Imagine how bloody excited I am about Incendies, the Academy Award-nominated mystery film set in Quebec! It won eight of the ten gongs which it was nominated for at the Genie Awards (best of Canadian cinema, natch) and it would’ve walked away with an Oscar if it wasn’t for bloody Susanne Bier. Go and see it. Do not, however, go and see overblown gangster nonsense Viva Riva!, unless you feel like being a bit racist and you’d like the validation of spending several hours being told that the DRC is a roiling jambalaya of blood, guns, tits and savagery.

Orange Choice: Incendies
Ultimate Lemon: Viva Riva!

Sophie (the only one left who’s optimistic about Optimus):

This week you should be taking one big refreshing gulp of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. The latest instalment in Michael Bay’s highly advanced alien robot franchise is bound to send the high-tech model making nerds into a chaotic frenzy, as well as some closet E.T, A.I, metal lovers. However this week’s film that’s sour enough to make you cry goes by the name Ghosted. The title implies a spooky drama or thriller, most likely involving a ghost, but don’t be fooled by implications. Ghosted is a depressing sounding piece of drivel set within a British prison. I bet there’s not a ghost in sight!

Orange Choice: Transformers: Dark Of The Moon
Ultimate Lemon: Ghosted

Lucy (could have been at Wimbledon today):

Under a sudden urge to be educated via the medium of film, I have documentary fever right now. So my (very first!) orange is going to be Countdown to Zero. Sure, it might not be the most uplifting thing you’ll ever spend your Wednesday evening watching, but my lord, will it have you shitting yourself about Russia. Big thumbs down for Talihina Sky: The Story of The Kings of Leon. Kings of Leon – you can’t release a documentary film about yourself just because people have stopped listening to/caring about you. A documentary film does not a legend make, y’hear?

Orange Choice: Countdown To Zero
Ultimate Lemon: Talihina Sky

*Veteran Steven Neish reaches around the ancient doors to point a rough, shaking finger at all this thoughtless frivolity*

Papa Neish (aint gonna take this shit no mo’):

This week my orange goes out to Bridesmaids. Although about as revolutionary as sawdust – and only marginally more funny – it is undoubtedly the lesser of two evils. Worth the price of admission for the bridesmaids’ dress-fitting scene alone – and content in the knowledge that you’re paying for Wilson Phillip’s first hot meal in years – the film will at least keep you entertained for its duration. Transformers: Dark of the Moon on the other hand, currently previewing in selected cinemas, is so lemony you’ll be gagging for days. It is simply business as usual at the pixel factory, a joyless endeavor that’s all exploded out and running on empty.

Orange Choice: Bridesmaids
Ultimate Lemon: Transformers: Dark Of The Moon

And thus it was. What will you be watching tonight?