*WOE! Best For Film’s standard is at half mast following the unexpected disappearance of Commander Tash, who didn’t show up to work on Monday and is suspected of being AWOL in Portugal. The mood is shaky, but with the help of some press-ganged militiamen we soldier bravely on…*

John (should never be left in charge of a Twitter account):
It may not look like your cup of tea, but this week you should really spare some oranges for The Conspirator – featuring a commanding central performance by James McAvoy backed up by all Robert Redford’s directing might, it’s an unexpectedly compelling drama with a strong and relevant message. An even more relevant message, however, would be ‘Do Not Bloody See Delhi Belly‘ – there’s enough anguish in the world without voluntarily watching someone suffer the painful after-effects of a dodgy curry for an hour and a half.

Orange Choice: The Conspirator
Ultimate Lemon: Delhi Belly

Harry (once wrote a song about André the Giant):
What do you mean you haven’t seen A Separation yet? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you high? Is that it? Look, it’s ok, put that bong down and spend the rest of your day texting everyone you know to find someone who wants to sit through the most emotionally engaging two hours of cinema you’ll have seen all year. Ok, It’ll make you cry, and you’ll come out of it really hoping you never grow up, but it’s a brilliant piece of work. Michael Bay, however, isn’t fit to lace Asghar Farhadi’s boots. Please don’t spend any more money on the new Transformers film, you’ve seen it before – and if you’ve seen The Island or Pearl Harbour, then some scenes you literally will have seen before! Just remember, what with travel costs and the obligatory double rum you’ll need afterwards to erase your memory of the past two hours, a night out to see Transformers in 3D could cost over £20. You can get a delicious cake for that… and still have money to see A Separation. No contest.

Orange Choice: A Separation
Ultimate Lemon: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Papa Neish (tried to liquidise and mainline all his Harry Potter DVDs the other night):
This week you have a choice of two less than exemplary educators. Let’s face it, nobody likes children – or students – or anyone for that matter, so you’d think it might be impossible to do the bad teacher premise a disservice. Not so, a fact Bad Teacher seems to exist solely to prove, so devoid of any redeeming feature is its abhorrent portrayal of Cameron Diaz’s überbitch, the fictional equivalent of genital warts. Slightly less insufferable is Julia Roberts’ borderline alcoholic lecturer. While Larry Crowne rarely stirs much of a reaction at all, it at least leaves your allergies in peace. Nobody wants to watch Diaz and Justin Timberlake dry-hump for ten minutes, not even at half price, so if you are going to the cinema this week – and you have enough self respect to give Transformers 3 a miss – why not take a chance on Larry Crowne? It’s very, very not bad.

Orange Choice: Larry Crowne
Ultimate Lemon: Bad Teacher

*It looks like Sophie’s going to have to take Papa Neish to task over that little number…*

Sophie (dislikes mayonnaise, as everyone should):
This week there’s only one film you want in your fruit punch and that is Robert Redford’s The Conspirator. With a strong cast including James McAvoy, Robin Wright and Evan Rachel Wood, this conspiracy filled drama about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln is sure to get your juices flowing. However, with every sweet tang there comes a bitter tinge, and this week it’s Larry Crowne. We have nothing against Tom Hanks, or Julia Roberts for that matter. In fact they’re both fantastic! But saying that we all know that they can do much better than a comedy about a grown man who has to go back to college. They’re both Oscar winners for god’s sake. This is just embarrassing.

Orange Choice: The Conspirator
Ultimate Lemon: Larry Crowne

Sarah (got left in charge of The Guardian the other day. The whole Guardian.):
My one heart’s desire is to divide my orange into two halves and hang one from Terrence Malick‘s Tree of Life (AKA: Pitt, Penn, family, a Palme d’Or and existential surrealism = joy) and squeeze the other into Voldemort’s eye for Harry Potter 7 Part 2 (AKA Harry Potter and the Teenage Snogging), but these aren’t coming out until Friday. Soooooooo I’ll hang my oranges on the intense and compelling A Separation. Because we should all watch proper movies based in Tehran about Alzheimer’s to counterbalance the success of Transformers 3. I’ll be happy to shove lemon meringue pie at Larry Crowne, right in the kisser. Tom Hank’s waxen face smooching up to Julia Robert’s vein popping forehead on a moped somehow makes me sad.

Orange Choice: A Separation
Ultimate Lemon: Larry Crowne

Duncan (is a bit pissed off with Spike Lee at the moment):
It’s another guff week for releases, continuing what must be the worst summer for film since 2007’s multiple threequelgasms. You may well have to see Bridesmaids again, because, if you’re anything like me, A Separation isn’t showing within a billion miles of your area code. Which is ok, because it’s still fantastic, and it really should have happened sooner. Avoid Transformers, obviously, especially after the revelation that some effects shots are directly lifted from The Island. But you won’t avoid it, will you? Just like you didn’t avoid Pirates 4. Because secretly – whisper it – you HATE money.

Orange Choice: Bridesmaids
Ultimate Lemon: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

*Duncan totally plagiarised Harry there, didn’t he? Never mind, they can fight it out later.*

Lucy (went to hang out at BAFTA today, like a massive lad):
My orange this week is 100% for A Separation. Who knew Iranian cinema could be this good? It’s a stunning film that showcases the obvious skills of writer and director Asghar Farhadi, while also establishing a narrative labyrinth of relationships and conflicts that certainly makes this film one to watch this week. However, please do not watch my lemon, Glaswegian comedy Fast Romance. It’s low budget. Low comedy. And will probably receive low takings at the box office. There’s nothing interesting about speed-dating anymore. Get over it!

Orange Choice: A Separation
Ultimate Lemon: Fast Romance

*And that’s it! Join us next week, when Tash will hopefully have returned and wrested the reins of power from John’s cold dead hands. Happy viewing!*