*With BFF towers left to the governing of John and Tash alone, things have taken a turn for the desperately shoddy. Ellipses left dangling hopelessly, brackets hanging open like the gateway to some inarticulate hell, vowels running amok and Caps Locks on EMERGENCY RATIONS. Still, at least it’s Wednesday: Thursday’s meatier, slightly looser sister.*

Tash (harpooned by a rogue witticism):

Having been up in the icy (read: deeply pleasant) highlands over the past few days, I’ve completely missed out on my weekly monkey intake. I’ll be sharing a easy-peelable orange with the dexterous limbs of Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes and basking in the hairy glow of Andy Serkis’ beautiful ACTING, whilst chronically avoiding the rather sinister sounding Project Nim. Yeah sure it would teach me all about how humans completely failed to make a monkey into a human, but you know what, I once tried to teach John about how taps work – I think I’m there.

Orange Choice: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Ultimate Lemon: Project Nim

Papa Neish (juggling clauses):

This week The Inbetweeners Movie is almost as orange as its holidaying heroes, why not escape to Malia this Wednesday for some vicarious sun, sea and clunge. A TV-film adaptation that isn’t Sex and the City 3, there are literally too many reasons to watch this movie. Unless you are some self-flagellating lemon-lover, why not give Cowboys and Aliens a miss. Necessitating a steady slew of plot contrivances just so the film might last more than 35 seconds (after which it would surely just be Aliens?), Cowboys and Aliens makes the unforgivable mistake of putting its flashing lights and dancing pixels slap-bang in the way of Harrison Ford’s impeccable forehead.

Orange Choice: The Inbetweeners Movie
Ultimate Lemon: Cowboys And Aliens

DVB (controlling a comma stampede):

The American critical community’s response to Cowboys And Aliens irked me somewhat: ‘It’s unoriginal’, ‘it’s clichéd’… It’s called Cowboys And bloody Aliens. You must be the same people who didn’t like Jay-Z & Kanye West rapping about all the cool stuff they have. I, for one, can’t wait to see actors I love messing about in the desert with spaceships and fancy hats. I won’t be going to watch three unlikeable people (and their clearly-mentally-ill-but-strangely-amusing-in-the-same-way-a-baby-mobile-is friend) retreading a tired format that didn’t really work in half hour chunks either.

Orange Choice: Cowboys And Aliens
Ultimate Lemon: The Inbetweeners Movie

John (baiter of similes):

This week my top flavor combination is orange and salt – to be precise, Gianni Di Gregorio’s beautiful new film The Salt of Life, in which his nearly-fictional character (also called Gianni, natch) stumbles gamely around Rome trying to score some free-spirited Italian skirt. It’s gloriously funny, very touching and every bit as good as his last film Mid-August Lunch. Save your lemons for an unconventionally-made caipirinha of fail courtesy of Brazilian cop thriller Elite Squad: The Enemy Within; combining thuggish action and a distinctly teenage ‘F*ck the man, man’ political message, it’s a shallow waste of time which one can’t help comparing unfavourably to The Secret In Their Eyes. Avoid.

Orange Choice: The Salt Of Life
Ultimate Lemon: Elite Squad: The Enemy Within

So who will win in your home-spun screen battles – the cowboys? The aliens? The monkeys? Or the idiots? TELL US!