Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #37
*With yet another intern falling by the wayside (RIP Beth!), Best For Film Towers are growing steadily more echoey and dominated by Caroline’s incomphrehensible brogue. Still, at least it’s BOGOF night, eh? Kayleigh is kicking things off this week.*
Kayleigh (writes with the speed of a WRITING CHEETAH):
30 Minutes Or Less is me pulling the orange out the bag this week; who’d have thought that I’d go anywhere near a comedy dick flick, rife with guns and bombs and innuendoes? Well, first up, it has Jesse Eisenberg in it. We love him. He was in The Social Network, you know. Second up, it just got a surprisingly hot review on BFF from one of our hardest-to-please critics, so you just know it’s going to be amazing. It looks fun and light and easy and, after the few days I’ve had, I’m in the mood for some unclean fun. I’m hurling my lemon squarely in the face of Episode 50; I reviewed it pre-release and I already know it’s terrible. Found-footage format, ghost hunters getting more than they bargained for… you know the story. It’s not scary, the acting is sub-par at best, the plot is obvious and the CGI is hellish. Do yourselves a favour and avoid it like the frikkin plague.
Orange Choice: 30 Minutes Or Less
Ultimate Lemon: Episode 50
John (has scarcely a pair of shoes to call his own):
Gvaxre Gnvybe Fbyqvre Fcl vf oybbql nznmvat. A Caesar shift may not be a particularly strong code, but if you can’t break it then you have no business watching this week’s almighty Orange: the spectacular Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. The drab reality of cold war counterintelligence is transformed into an improbably thrilling tale of bluff and double-counter-triple bluff where nothing is as it seems (apart from the obvious fact that Gary Oldman’s going to get an Oscar for it). When your head recovers, go and put a brick through the window of any cinema that’s showing The Change-Up – God knows I love Ryan Reynolds, but HE MUST LEARN.
Orange Choice: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Ultimate Lemon: The Change-Up
Caroline (yargle snargle potato graaaughghgghh):
Going by the usually sound advice of my colleague Ms. Kayiegh Dray, my ultimate Lemon this week is the aptly named Atrocious. Atrocious appears to have garnered a nationwide release solely on the basis that it’s a bit like The Blair Witch Project, in that it’s a horror film and it involves hand held cameras. Not satisfied to blatantly steal an element of just one horror film, Atrocious appears to be borrowing ideas from every horror ever. There’s a well that someone drowns in, an overbearing mum, and some far too curious teens. Alternately, my Orange Choice is You Instead, a film made on a similarly tight budget, but seems to have a few good ideas going on. Two musicians are hand-cuffed to one another at T in the Park, indie love ensues. Why? Why not.
Orange Choice: You Instead
Ultimate Lemon: Atrocious
Tash (if you close your eyes, she’s basically a giant mackerel):
You know what are great? Re-releases. They’re like re-makes, except without the crippling disappointment or Zac Efron. For that reason my Orange of the week is going to be the sumptuous West Side Story. Classic songs, angry dancing, lots of jeans and the desperately tragic ending so lacking from movie-musicals today. It will tip pure, raw TALENT down your throat until you’re gasping for respite, and then will punch you in the heart with a fist made of latin-americans. A film that definitely won’t do that is I Don’t Know How She Does It. You know exactly how she does it; by wearing slightly different clothes to Carrie Bradshaw and occasionally standing near a child.
Orange Choice: West Side Story
Ultimate Lemon: I Don’t Know How She Does It
*Four critics, eight films – that’s what you call a cross-section of opinion! Are you dazzled? We’re dazzled. See you next week!*