Orange(Wednesday)s And Lemons #49

*With mighty leader Natasha Hodgson incapacitated due to her attempts to gouge her own eyes out (the cries of “ITS THE ONLY WAY BON JOVI WILL STOP ACTING, IT’S THE ONLY WAY” can be heard throughout the BFF courtyards), it’s left to the rest of the noble team to gather their thoughts about the week’s releases…*

DVB (nose-insulter):

Carrying on the theme running through all my OWL’s of plumping for a film based on incredibly spurious reasoning, I want to see Another Earth because the trailer made me a bit weepy. Strategic displacement of the Cinematic Orchestra over a montage of Quite Sad Things? They must be mates with the Tyrannosaur people. I feel like I should tell you to avoid something that isn’t New Year’s Eve, because everyone else has that one covered and you all seem to hate it anyway. But picking anything else is kind of missing the point. It’s very obviously the worst thing out.

Orange Choice: Another Earth
Ultimate Lemon: New Year’s Eve


Florence (chocolate psychic):

I’ve already seen Harold & Kumar but, hell, I’d probs rather watch it than anything else out at the moment. It’s just so Christmassy! And it has Neil Patrick Harris in it! And a sentient waffle-maker (which I never mentioned in my review but actually plays a crucial role). Plus the stoner duo are just so darn loveable. And Father Christmas! He’s along for the ride as well! This is the film that LITERALLY has everything. I am most happy to be giving it my orange this week. My lemon is a slightly controversial choice but, hell, I’m feeling daring (which is why I keep saying “hell”). And so, this evening, I will most definitely not be sitting down to watch Another Earth. I’ve seen this film as well and kind of liked it at the time, but it’s a little too serious-face for a Wednesday evening so close to Christmas. If you want to watch existential drama and people moping and talking about loads of stuff, then Another Earth is the one for you. Sadly, it’s not the one for me.

Orange Choice: A Very Harold And Kumar 3D Christmas
Ultimate Lemon: Another Earth


Kayleigh (with a nose as straight as an arrow):

This week my orange is going straight to the (apparently) purr-fect Puss In Boots. Talking cats in Mexico? Always good. Antonio Banderas AS a talking cat in Mexico? Even bloody better. And it has a wise-cracking Humpty Dumpty for added egg-cellence. Look at all the fun puns I got out of JUST ONE TITLE. On the other hand, we have New Year’s Eve. There are no puns to be had there. Well, not unless you went for something crass, like Ew! Year’s Eve. Which, oddly enough, is a pretty apt summary of why we all hate it so much. With 6% satisfaction ratings, a horrible script, mushy concept and too many bloody actors, this disaster of a chick flick earns itself one big fat lemony lemon.

Orange Choice: Puss In Boots
Ultimate Lemon: New Year’s Eve


Papa Neish (stronger of heart and mind than NHodge):

This week I will be giving my orange to Hugo, because he seems like a nice chap and, if we’re being honest, looks even poorer than I am. Besides, I would quite like to have karma on my side the next time I run over Gary Marshall, the publicist responsible for the culture-vacuum that is New Year’s Eve. Did I say over? I totally meant into. Like some sanity-devouring leviathon from H. P. Lovecraft’s least favourite cheese-dream, or the tattered remains of Sarah Jessica Parker’s cursed portrait, his latest ensemble atrocity will undoubtedly leave you drooling into oblivion. Even with your Orange voucher, it’s just not worth it.

Orange Choice: Hugo
Ultimate Lemon: New Year’s Eve


*Oh God, not even the steel restraints can stop the wild cries*

Tash (goodbye, sweet world):

Every time I close my eyes, I see the scene in New Year’s Eve where Katherine Heigl slaps Jon Bon Jovi in a comical fashion. And it’s enough to make me want to tear my hair out. All I want is to to replace the raised hand with a machine gun, watch her go to town on his chest, swing round towards the rest of the cast and eventually turn it on herself. Such is my hatred for the vapid monstrosity that is New Year’s Eve. Please go and watch the Aaron Sorkin penned Moneyball instead. I know it’s been out a couple of weeks now, but come on, you haven’t bloody been to see it, and it’s completely brilliant. Brad Pitt on top form, Jonah Hill showing he’s got more than grating teen-aggression to his name and a truly marvellous real-life story. But to be honest, anything except New Year’s Eve works for me. Including that video of my shitting myself in front of the Pope.

Orange Choice: Moneyball
Ultimate Lemon: New Year’s Eve


So… New Year’s Eve, anyone?

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