Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #5

*Peace has returned to Best For Film Towers, but it brought with it an insidious wind of corruption which has left two of the team sickening, yea, even unto death. The Bear and the Otter are both out of action with ‘intern AIDS’, so the brave defenders of what increasingly feels like some sort of Redwall bastion number just five. Fortunately, survival instincts have kicked in and there is little or no sympathy for those who have fallen by the wayside. Georgi kicks things off:*

Georgina (wards off infection with a winning combo of big earrings and goose grease):
I am temporarily celebrating steering clear of intern flu (bleurgh) by going to see Black Swan. I’d forgotten Vincent Cassel was in it, and then a preview popped up and my love for men that look like mad sharks was reignited. Crossed off the to-do list is The Mechanic. Ben Foster is a-ma-zing in it, but Jason Statham is as wooden as ever, PLUS he covers up the only thing we care about (his body) with polo necks. Why all the polo necks, Statham?


John (just wasted half his lunch hour waiting in a bloody Nando’s):
I haven’t yet succumbed to whatever lurgy is doing the rounds, although it’s only a matter of time before whatever’s killing the interns in their stable makes its way to the rarefied upper levels of Best For Film. Until then, I shall be encouraging anyone and everyone to catch Barney’s Version, a charming if overlong film which has three distinct draws – Rosamund Pike being perfect, Dustin Hoffman being Dustin Hoffman and you being a minimum of one room away from bloody Hereafter and its nonsensical psychic pseudo-plot. “Ooh, I’m magical Matt Damon with the magical mind!” Tripe.

ORANGE CHOICE: Barney’s Version

Becky (currently wavering between ‘pale and interesting’ and ‘consumptive’):
Due to intern flu (damn you Otter) I am grumpy and the only thing that will cheer me up is Disney. New school Disney, complete with 70 feet of hair. Did I mention the hair is enchanted? It can move of its own accord! Hair that can bitch slap someone! Awesome! Jason Statham however, is hairless. He is still rugged, but if I want to see him going gung-ho and shooting shit, I will tuck myself up in bed and watch The Transporter. Georgi is right- polo necks are for losers.


*Becky, who has been swaying alarmingly for some time, is beginning to collapse sideways in an apparent faint. The Bear isn’t on hand to catch her, obviously, and John isn’t about to go near a sicky, so she bounces off the desk and lands awkwardly on the base of the water-cooler. Nobody pays any attention*

Magda (seems to have a plant in her hair, but has successfully cleansed her cat of poo):
It seems the safest way to avoid flu is to not attend any screenings the others may be attending. BOOM! Not a problem. After initial reservations I’m all about The Green Hornet this week. Kato is the true badass superhero, even right to the end. Heck, he even gets the girl. Okay, almost. Anyway, Kato rocks and at least The Green Hornet won’t take itself too seriously. The film I’m definitely not going to see? Well, apart from everyone else’s favourites (great films, I just don’t want to catch Bad) I’ll be avoiding The Dilemma. For all the good reasons in the world, ever. Just promise yourself not to see it and – BANG! – end of dilemma.

ORANGE CHOICE: The Green Hornet

Tash (wearing fake pearls with a golfing jumper, apparently in a bid to make John cry):
Blah, blah everyone is so ill and complainy today, luckily I am a CHAMPION OF GOD WINNERS and do not suffer disease-fools gladly. In many ways I am like Natalie Portman in Black Swan – she too is a demure, graceful, yoghurty type of girl on the crazy road to a career in dance. Though there are less atmospheric cut-shots in my day-to-day life, and my soundtrack is probably significantly less haunting. Also, the dancing thing was a lie. Go and watch it though, because it’s excellent. Don’t bother with anything else, honestly, it’s all a bit “semi-attractive-men doing fairly dull things” and frankly, Portman blasts them all out of the Vincent-Cassel infested waters.

ULTIMATE LEMON: Everything but Black Swan

*Discussion over, the team (minus Becky) is just about to get back to work when Magda notices a faint scratching at the door. Collapsed on the step outside is the Otter, who manages to force the words “Watch… MorningGlory…” past bleeding lips before finally giving up the ghost. Georgi chucks him in the moat.*

About The Author