*New interns have infiltrated BFF towers, and their very first act has been to destroy the power supply completely. Typing on a computer made of sand and tears, will our heroes even get a chance to make it out alive? Without a working kettle for literally metres, it seems unlikely…*

Tash (frantically making a fire):

I’m in a right pickle of an orange this week. Do I tell you to go and watch The Muppets, which is was SO excited about I was invariably underwhelmed by, or Woman In Black, which I was so ambivalent about that I ended up being rather impressed by. Tricky. Very tricky. Except it’s not, really. Kermit or Danny Radcliffe? Please. One’s a bug-eyed, seemingly ageless puppet, and one’s KERMIT THE FROG, after all. In terms of things to avoid, it’s going to have to be The Phantom Menace in 3D. The idea of Jar Jar Binks infiltrating an entirely new dimension is just too much to bear.

Orange Choice: The Muppets
Ultimate Lemon: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace 3D

Kayleigh (fashioning a spear from hair):

For the first time in a long while, I am completely torn when it comes to my choice of orange. Do I want to see The Muppets play the music and light the lights? Or do I want to see Daniel Radcliffe fight ghosts without a magic wand? One promises a rip-roaring good time with fuzzy felt friends and Amy Adams doing what she does best (SINGING AND BEING CUTE!) whilst the other promises spooky encounters with ghosts and crows. While I mull over this for a moment, I can say that, without a doubt, my lemon is being hurled firmly in the direction of The Vow. Rachel McAdams forgets all the loving feelings and good memories of her husband, does she? And he has to remind her and make her fall in love with him? And there’s some gratuitous nudity, is there? WE’VE ALREADY SEEN THE NOTEBOOK, YOU BASTARDS! Yiesh. After much deliberation, my orange is being handed to The Woman In Black. Solely because I’ve seen The Muppets lose their theatre once before (It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, anyone?) so I can hold out a little longer before I hurl myself in their direction.

Orange Choice: The Woman In Black
Ultimate Lemon: The Vow

Rob (Hunting Bane for food):

Love him or hate him, Freud was both an alleged cocaine addict and sex freak, and surely that makes for scintillating viewing? While A Dangerous Method doesn’t focus on these less savoury aspects of Freud’s life, the film is abound with bubbling sexual tensions, Oedipus Complexes and mental conditions; easily enough psychological depth to make it the winner of this week’s Orange. The Lemon award goes to Journey 2: The Mysterious Island. All I know about the film is that it contains Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and his motley crew running around an island full of dodgy CGI creatures. That’s all I need to know.

Orange Choice: A Dangerous Methos
Ultimate Lemon: Journey 2: The Mysterious Method

Papa Neish (bearing the conch):

Sod it. My oranges this week go to Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace; (*Tash lets out a mighty, non-electricity based shriek*) heck, maybe they’re good for your midichlorian count. While just about everything else on release comes with glowing recommendations, Menace is still undeservedly bogged down with the disappointments of 13 years ago. Energetic, poorly scripted, breathtaking, juvenile and scored to perfection, it is a Star Wars movie through and through, but one that is sadly under-appreciated. A chance to revisit it on the big screen is not to be missed, however, as that is where Lucas’ imagination ultimately belongs. Now in 3D. Jack and Jill, on the other hand, is still rubbish.

Orange Choice: Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace 3D
Ultimate Lemon: Jack And Jill

David (plotting revolution):

Speaking as someone who has never been even the slightest bit moved by any film involving superpowers, people who can fly and blokes dressed in capes punching each other (and, yes, I include Christopher Nolan’s absurdly po-faced Batman franchise in that) I must admit a degree of intrigue regarding Chronicle. The main reasons are that it actually looks like it might get a bit nasty and it’s only 83 minutes long (I also have a bug up my arse about genre movies going on too long, so Chronicle hits a double bulls-eye for brevity).  I shall be avoiding Star Bloody Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Bleeding Menace 3 Stupid D. I don’t need that shit in my life.

Orange Choice: Chronicle
Ultimate Lemon: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

John (stitching check disks into a lovely tent):

This week I’m presenting a big juicy breast – sorry, I mean orange – to A Dangerous Method. David Cronenberg’s emotionally fraught drama has many appealing aspects; but none more tempting than the opportunity to see Keira Knightley actually act, rather than just wave her massive cock about. Chin. I meant chin. It should go without saying that the Force will not be with anyone who falls to the temptation of Oedipal space-myth – now in 3D! – The Phantom Menace, which is still a crock of shit even if the Jedi do have long, strong, glowing weapons for smiting aliens and furrowing Natalie Portman like a field of good earth. Oh god, Dr Freud, what have you done to me?

Orange Choice: A Dangerous Method
Ultimate Lemon: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

So, looks like it’ll be Papa Neish and his love of Phantom Menance that lands him with first place on the make-shift grill. What are you watching this week?