*This week, BFF towers has been plagued by disaster. John has been off rescuing maidens from various cultural hotspots, Rob has been showing his own ankle just who’s boss by wilfully breaking it, Dave is in Cuba or something and Tash is conked out on the ol’ disease drugs and jonesing for her next fix of Disprin. Thank God Feb 29th comes but once every four years…*

John (under a gypsy’s curse):

Marigolds are orange, aren’t they? Orange and yellow, admittedly, but a bit orange at least. That’s vaguely convenient, because my pick of this week’s relatively unimpressive film releases is John Madden’s gentlly glorious senior citizen rom-com The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Racist old women, gay old men, Dev Patel getting his bone on – it’s alll there. Save your lemon for a daring escape from Safe House, the clunkiest action film to bear Denzel Washington’s name in years. What are you doing in there, Ryan?

Orange Choice: The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Ultimate Lemon: Safe House

DVB (in the thrall of a monkey’s paw):

Maybe I’m just dabbling in moody bastarddom, but I’m finding it incredibly difficult to get excited about this week’s releases. I’d had my fill of Maverick-cop-who-refuses-to-play-by-the-rules-but-DAMMIT-he-gets-results films after I’d seen, like, three of them, and as much as I love the entire cast of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel I don’t know how interested I can be in watching them lark about on holiday being all pithy. You know what i can get excited about? Any film that calls itself Blood Car. Especially when it’s a tongue-in-cheek grindhouse flick about a car that runs on blood. Keeping up the curmodgeonly vibe, I’m lemoning Red Dog because of its poster. Don’t put ‘And introducing’ if the thing you’re introducing is a fucking dog.

Orange Choice: Blood Car
Ultimate Lemon: Red Dog

Tash (Broke all the mirrors with all the other mirrors):

Whenever I’m ill (once every four years, as we’ve covered), the only thing that can make me feel better is the promise that Ryan Reynolds is going to put his arms around me, whisper that it will all be OK, and then shoot Denzel Washington in the chest. Thinking about it, this is never really a great day for Denzel, either. For that reason, my aching cells are gingerly wafting in the direction of Safe House. I don’t care if it’s ridiculous, I just need my medicine. One thing that’s guaranteed to turn a cheerfully dour situation into a fully-fledged feverish nightmare is the appearance of Katherine Heigl once again playing Girl Who Hates The Man She’ll Eventually Shag. For that reason, stay away from One For The Money. Doctor’s orders.

Orange Choice: Safe House
Ultimate Lemon: One For The Money

Rob (took a short cut under the ladders):

Why on earth is everyone being so bloody miserable – if anything it’s been a surprisingly good week of cinema releases, I’ve found myself in the rare position of being spoilt for choice in picking my juiciest Wednesday Orange. While Corman-esque splatter flick Blood Car and old-people comedy The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel get honourable mentions, only one film can win the prestigious orange, and that’s Rampart. Here, Woody Harrelson gives a career-best performance as a corrupt cop losing a grip on both his job and family. Slickly stylised and sharply scripted, this is the best film of its type in years. The notorious lemon goes to Red Dog, a soppy-sounding film about some loveable mutt that brings a town together. How fucking sweet.

Orange Choice: Rampart
Ultimate Lemon: Red Dog

Papa Neish (choked on his own rabbit’s foot):

While I of course realise that nobody in their right mind is going to the cinema this week, not when Cineworld’s plans to unveil the fourth dimension (touch, donchaknow) at Glasgow’s Renfrew Street site promises to finally provide a reason to traverse the twelve necessary escalators, I am nothing if not dedicated to repetitive fruit analogies. With suspension of disbelief looking about as fashionable these days as a cloud of King Jong-il’s ashes, my orange this week belongs to A Dangerous Method. After all, it actually happened, just ask history. Even with vibrating chairs, however, nobody is going to believe that Katherine Heigl is a bad-ass bounty hunter from Jersey who can solve crimes and call people by their last names. But if you do go to see One For The Money, just make sure that you have more than one solitary lemon to throw at the screen.

Orange Choice: A Dangerous Method
Ultimate Lemon: One For The Money

Florence (pissed off a leprechaun):

This Wednesday I’d like to give my orange (so juicy fresh) to The Woman in Black which I still have not seen. This is a sad state of affairs, as I like to think I am amongst the top three hundred UK-based fans of Daniel Radcliffe (his birthday is the 23rd June 1989). I also like a good ghost story and I’ve heard that this film is so scary you could legitimately poop yourself right there in the cinema and no one could take issue with it. My lemon (so very sour) has to go to One For the Money which is appropriate because I’ve always found Katherine Heigl to be a bit (of a) tart, and I’m tired of sexy bounty hunters. Also, hasn’t there already been a film called Two For the Money? WHAT’S NEXT? You literally can’t go lower than one. I’ve tried.

Orange Choice: The Woman In Black
Ultimate Lemon: One For The Money

Agree to disagree, as bloody always? Still, This Means War is out on Friday. We’ll probably reach a consensus on that… maybe…