*It’s another lonely day at Best For Film Towers for Tash and John – Florence’s promised visit has been cancelled on account of the moat overflowing the drawbridge, and Duncan has had to take refuge in a tree to avoid the rising tides. If only Tash hadn’t spent all the sandbag budget on train tickets to West Sussex…*

Florence (dissolves on contact with water):
Do you know what’s really nineties? Films about people taking ecstasy and listening to trance. Do you know what else is really nineties? Kristin Kreuk. You know, that girl from Smallville. I don’t know what it is about her but can’t you imagine her wearing a scrunchy? You know you can. The point is, tonight, because THIS IS 2012, I will not be watching Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy. It looks so nineties! I rest my case. I will be watching, though, post-apocalyptic nightmare horror slasher whatever it is film The Divide because there’s nothing like a bit of Milo Ventimiglia on a Wednesday evening. Haha, not really. He has a weird mouth! But the film does look rather exciting: tense, bloody, rapey and altogether utterly horrifying. Hurray!

Orange Choice: The Divide
Ultimate Lemon: Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy

John (CardigMan):
I’m not going to lie to you, The Internet, there isn’t a single new release that I can even convincingly pretend I want to watch. They’re not even worth punning about, but I can try if you want. Gone should go. Lockout should be locked out. Salmon Fishing looks fishy. See? This week’s offerings are so universally uninspired that they defy even the might of the caustic one-liner. Let’s just be honest here – don’t see anything tonight, it all looks shit. AND if you wait until tomorrow you can catch Marvel Avengers Assemble! But if you want one film to avoid more than the others, make it Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy. Second-rate Trainspotting rip-offs are bad enough when they’re not cast entirely with Canadians trying to do Scottish accents.

Orange Choice: Nothing
Ultimate Lemon: Irvine Welsh’s Ecstasy

*How will dedicated Caledoniphile Papa Neish respond to this spurning of his cultural heritage?*

Papa Neish (PhSeyfried, North Shore College):
If Isaac Newton used an apple to basically discover modern science, then I award Guy Pearce the biggest orange I can find for his efforts to wedgy the man and his lifelong work into submission. While Lockout might boast some of the worst special effects of recent years, a story you would recognise in the dark and a performance from Maggie Grace that all but chases you out of the screen in search of a refund, Pearce – aided by a genuinely brilliant script – attacks the role with such gusto and relish that his character just about carries you to the finish line. Amanda Seyfried gets the lemon this week, her new film Gone promising to take on a double meaning when it disappears from cinema next week. Let this one go Mandy, it’s not worth it.

Orange Choice: Lockout
Ultimate Lemon: Gone

*Oh, turns out he doesn’t give a shit. Hello Duncan!*

DVB (Hood Samaritan, yo):
Can we put a stop to Lasse Halstrom, please? One Gilbert Grape shouldn’t give you free rein to spend two decades making nothing but staggeringly uninteresting films based on books Richard and Judy like. There’s a chance Salmon Fishing in the Yemen will be less mawkish than Dear John, less anaesthetized than The Shipping News, or less entirely inconsequential than Hachi: A Dog’s Tale, but then so was the sandwich I just ate. Obviously, there’s only one possible choice this week: Tash Force. A startling avant-garde documentary, it’s comprised of a single long shot of Best For Film’s own Tash Hodgson, staring into the camera, reciting to the lyrics to the entirety of The Eminem Show and slowly eating a wheel of cheese.

(Disclaimer: Please do not actually watch Tash Force. It’s about football hooligans and is probably very shit.)

Orange Choice: Tash Force
Ultimate Lemon: Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

Tash (the Chichester Commando):
Though I spend most of my waking hours shouting “TASH FORCE, ASSEMBLE” out of the windows of BFF Towers, Tash Force is not going to get my orange this week. Partially because them fat cats ain’t stealing my super-cool catch-phrase, but mostly because this week I’m all about The Divide. A brutal, bloody, slowly simmering psychological horror that probes at what separates us humans from our humanity, it’s a post-apocalyptic thrill-ride that, for better or for worse, will stay with you. Speaking of ridiculous amounts of hair, I will not be watching Amanda Seyfried in Gone. How she expects to foil any murderers at all with that much plumage sticking out of her delicate light-bulb head is beyond me – it’s not so much a title as it is an instruction to her hairdresser.

Orange Choice: The Divide
Ultimate Lemon: Gone

*You have your orders. TASH FORCE! See you next week, assuming you don’t drown…*