*In celebration of this being all THE 69 SEXY EDITION and stuff, our BFF heroes are trying their best not to look totally awful. John’s put away the worst of his cardies, Tash has dragged a fork through her hair and Papa Neish has promised not to talk about Miley Cyrus for at least an hour or so. Conditions are perfect. LET’S GET IT ON.*

John (brushing off the most sensual of his manuals):

This week my orange (that’s French for orange) is going to Angel & Tony, a charming romance set in a Normandy fishing village. Nothing says ‘love’ like fish and orange sauce, after all! Actually, that sounds revolting. It’s probably the sort of thing that Hairy Old Man would eat in <em>Two Years At Sea, a film which is not set at sea and consequently looks utterly baffling. Take your lemons and rub them in Hairy Old Man’s beard, it could do with a touch of zesty freshness.

Orange Choice: Angel And Tony
Ultimate Lemon: Two Years At Sea

Papa Neish (leaving on his Hannah Montana socks for YOUR pleasure):

Considering that the four people alive capable of watching Damsels in Distress without cringing their faces inside out have probably seen it by now, I urge the rest of you to avoid Whit Stillman’s first film in thirteen years through fear that it might put you off humans for life. Featuring improbably colour-ignorant fratboys, a fictitious French religion and four autonomous young woman who seek to cure suicide with a new dance craze, Damsels In Distress cinematic Marmite through and through, ie. disgusting. What you need is more Avengers Assemble. So what if you’ve already seen it in 2D and 3D, there’s still IMAX (big), D-Box (shaky) and ODEON (projected upside down) waiting to blow your mind anew.

Orange Choice: Marvel Avengers Assemble
Ultimate Lemon: Damsels In Distress

Tash (won’t even try and nick your wallet after):

I’m not going to patronise you by oranging Avengers Assemble – OBVIOUSLY you’ve all already watched it, it came out nearly two weeks ago for Gods’ sake! Instead, I’m going to encourage you to screw your thinking bits back in and go and watch the Oscar nominated Monsieur Lazhar. Ostensibly about an inspiring teacher who brings joy back into a broken classroom (is there any better genre than that of inspiring-teacher-broken-classroom?), it also manages to encapsulate the current political tensions of Algeria AS WELL as being bloody lovely and all French and that. Significantly less lovely and French is Statham-fest Safe. The generic Jason storyline (SMASHING THINGS) with an added code-breaking crunch, it’s just mad nonsense – you might as well just remember what it was like to watch Crank and add in a couple of shots of FRIGHTENED CHILD.

Orange Choice: Monsieur Lazhar
Ultimate Lemon: Safe

Kayleigh (poised to document for Cosmo):

Oh sure, I want to see Silent House, complete with the Good Olsen and plenty of jumps. But do I want to see it more than I want to see Beauty And The Beast? No, nay and never! My favourite Disney film ever (EVER!), this tale as old as time makes being a book-loving misfit cool. On the other hand, we have Piggy. If the name weren’t enough to put you off this disgustingly über violent flick, how about the fact that IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL? This revenge film wants to be just like Kill List and Fight Club, but forgets the all-essential plot details to make it happen. One can only imagine how the scriptwriting meetings went…. Satisfying conclusion? Not important. Back story? Let’s skip it! Realistic character development? Pfffft – why bother when you can just stamp on someone’s head? Stupid lemony film.

Orange Choice: Beauty And The Beast
Ultimate Lemon: Piggy

DVB (might even stay till morning):

Yeah no yeah you’re totally right, my endorsement is the final push Avengers Assemble so desperately needs. Nah, how about something you haven’t seen three times, like a Juan of the Dead something? The ‘Zombies? Nation in chaos? Same diff!’ angle is a novel approach, and there’s some fantastic gags in the trailer. On the other hand, avoid The Lucky One. Not necessarily because it’s bad, but because fuck Nicholas Sparks, the man who once accused Cormac McCarthy of being a hack because he puts violence in his books. Yeah Nick, that one’s not gonna fly.

Orange Choice: Juan Of The Dead
Ultimate Lemon: the Lucky One

WHAT AN ORGY OF FILMS THERE ARE ON OFFER! Which one have you got your slutty eye on? Whisper sweetly to us…