Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #83

*Times is hard at Best For Film – not only has Kathryn abandoned us, but most of this week’s films are totally shit. Still, we soldier on! Tessa’s up for the last time…*

Tessa (craving Womb):
Wooo! It’s raining again! Hello Orange Wednesday! It’s two Bs for me this week – my Orange goes to the appropriately orange-haired lass flying the Girl Power flag in Brave. It’s got Billy Connolly, Emma Thompson and Julie Walters – tick, it’s about heroine who’s a proper heroine (Bows Not Boys) – tick, and it’s set in Scotland (I’m off there next week) – tick. Apparently Pixar have rewritten their animation system for the first time in 25 years to make the most complex and impressive visuals possible, sounds amazing if you ask me. I tell you what else people have been asking me, ‘how was The Bourne Legacy, Tessa?’. Dreadful, I say, a real disappointment. Then they sneer and say ‘well you’re a girl, you probably didn’t get it.’ I DID GET IT. It’s really, really disappointing. You’re obviously going to ignore me and go anyway but I’m putting it here, in print, that I’m making it my lemon – it’s a bitter, bitter, lemony disappointment.

Orange Choice: Brave
Ultimate Lemon: The Bourne Legacy


John (moving to Guam):
I don’t really want to bother this week – obviously you’re going to go and see Brave, because now Harry Potter’s finally finished going to a Pixar film is the only time you can justify seeing something aimed at bloody children. Lots of funny voices and capering bears and gleamy arrows don’t make up for the simple fact that you’re watching a fairy story about a ginger princess cavorting around Scotland, you chump. Anyway, that’s my Orange because I’m a coward and Pixar fans are really intolerant. Fernando Meirelles fans are much more chilled, which is why I’m going to jump in and brand 360 my Lemon. WHY WON’T PEOPLE STOP CASTING JUDE BLOODY LAW?

Orange Choice: Brave
Ultimate Lemon: 360


Hannah (starting to repeat herself):
The time has finally come people! THE BOURNE LEGACY IS HERE!! Oh my god it’s like Christmas has come early (a sentence Pierce Brosnan has ruined for me). There was never just one…and now we have a fourth. Film that is, and it’s got ultimate girl crush Rachel Weisz in it! Plus some bloke who looks a bit like Jeremy Kyle but I don’t really care about him. Besides BFF’s Tessa said she didn’t like Bourne so it must be good. Personally, the things I don’t like are half-arsed Jurassic Park rip offs. Would I like to go and see The Dinosaur Project? Errr…did you not just hear what I said? If it ain’t got Sam Neill in it you can shove it up your brontosaur’s backside…

Orange Choice: The Bourne Legacy
Ultimate Lemon: The Dinosaur Project


DVB (does this rag smell like chloroform to you?):
Errr… Hollywood? Are you.. feeling alright? It’s just that.. look, Hollywood, all these films are terrible, just terrible. Now.. OH, oh no, no, Nurse? Nurse? Hollywood’s done a sick. Can you? Thanks. In a Not-That-Brilliant-Yet year for films, this is possibly the worst week of ’em yet. Batman‘s still on, so you could always go and see that, but as far as recommendations go I suppose it’ll have to be Brave, despite it allegedly being slight, cloying and a total Studio Ghibli rip-off. The idea of any of the other films out being the worst is kind of a joke, but I’m plumping for Offender, because there’s someone in it called Joe Cole and that’s reminded me that you’re all about to start talking about football again.

Orange Choice: Brave
Ultimate Lemon: Offender


*Off you pop and watch Brave, then. See you next week!*

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