*The crumbling towers of Best For Film are oddly silent, as the brave soldiers within gloomily await John’s return. If only there were some cheery films out this week…*

Kayleigh (practicing battle cries in the corner)
The number one must-see film on everybody’s list this week has to be Take This Waltz. Raw, revealing and featuring the sexiest non-sex scene ever (I’m almost definite that Luke Kirby talked Michelle Williams into having an orgasm – he certainly did everyone else!), this visually stunning small-budget indie film is a little bit different from the norm. However, to appease my conscience, I must also slap a Lemon Warning on it. Why? Because it will either a) cause your soul to explode into dust, b) send you spiralling into emotional anguish, c) force you to accept that true love is non-existent or d) make you hate Michelle Williams. NONE OF THESE ARE GOOD THINGS! So, yes, see it. But be prepared to check in with a psychiatrist straight afterwards…

Orange Choice: Take This Waltz
Ultimate Lemon: Take This Waltz

Tash (dusting cobwebs from her BFF shield)
Look, I wasn’t Bourne yesterday – a sequel, side-quel, extra-quel, whatever the hell it is –quel to the franchise that made Matt Damon an action star was always going to have a tough time of it without any actual Damon involvement. But still, dear God, I was not prepared for the po-faced, meandering, snooze-caper that was The Bourne Legacy. Basically, it’s two hours of Ed Norton looking thoughtful in a small room, and Rachel Weisz weeping “BUT I DID IT FOR THE SCIENCE.” The science, Rach? The science, or the money? Meanwhile, Take This Waltz appears to destroy all hope for the future, but in a sort of beautiful, Michelle-Williams-in-an-unassuming-skirt way. That I can deal with. After the crash-and-Bourne-ing of all my cinematic hopes, I have very little faith left anyway.

Orange Choice: Take This Waltz
Ultimate Lemon: The Bourne Legacy

Papa Neish (choreographing a deadly dance routine)
While The Expendables 2 and The Three Stooges (I haven’t seen it yet so there’s still hope) may well be passable enough, the film I think you and your 1 should see this Wednesday is Step Up 4: Miami Heat. Having so far taken less than any other film in the series, this fourth instalment is officially an underseen gem; although as shallow and stupid as any other Step Up movie before it, Miami Heat boasts some of the most spectacular dance numbers ever committed to film. In back-flipping, eye-rolling 3D. As for this week’s batch of lemon juice, that goes to The Bourne Legacy, a travesty that not only wastes your time, but also goes some way to undermine the original trilogy as well.

Orange Choice: Step Up 4
Ultimate Lemon: The Bourne Legacy

Florence (sleepily trying to figure out her Colt Canada C7 rifle)
Well I’ve been in Canada for three weeks and the England I’ve returned to is strange and unfamiliar and full of films like “The Bourne Legacy” where Jeremy Renner goes around with his veiny forearms shooting people. Why do we need this? Even the trailer was boring. COME ON. Don’t waste an orange on this nonsense. We need more films like “The Three Stooges” that are built on integrity and originality and people poking each other in the eye. That’s what I’ll be watching this evening. AND NO I’M NOT JETLAGGED.

Orange Choice: The Three Stooges
Ultimate Lemon: The Bourne Legacy

So there we have it – do NOT go and see The Bourne Legacy. See y’all next week!