Orange(Wednesday)s and Lemons #86

*It’s all change at Best For Film Towers. John is finally back for good after fighting off a nefarious infection caused by overexposure to Nic Cage in the name of research. Tash is adventuring in the heathen East (well, Greece). Kayleigh is hanging around again, just because. Let’s start with her:*

Kayleigh (collects pretend boyfriends):
I wish that John would, for once, let me divide my orange equally between Anna Karenina and Lawless – there’s enough juicy citrus fruit to go round, after all – but he doesn’t look too kindly on sharing. As it is, I’m going to shun Keira Knightley’s period flick until I finish the book (which will be never – ever heard of the phrase ‘less is more’ Tolstoy?) and instead stick to outlaws, moonshine, yee-hawing and burnt out corpses. Oh sure, Lawless has got Shia LeBeouf in it. Oh sure, he’s probably doing something irritating, like trying to act, or kiss’n’telling on poor Carey Mulligan. But, to make up for THAT, we have Guy Pearce, Tom Hardy and Gary Oldman – a sexy triumvirate which will appeal to all ages. What could go wrong? On the other hand, I’m content to sit here and squeeze lemons over The Sweeney until the citric acid slowly burns through the film cells and destroys it forever. I’m just that unhappy about it.

Orange Choice: Lawless
Ultimate Lemon: The Sweeney


Alex (watches Little Nicky every single week):
In a week with a lot of releases, one seems to rise to the top of the pile whenever I look over the list. Orange this week goes to Lawless, the true-story crime drama set in Prohibition era Virginia. Just take a look at that cast! Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, Mia Wasikowska, Guy Pearce… with so many classy names attached, and John Hillcoat behind the camera, Lawless is sure to impress. It also has Shia LaBeouf in it. (Aren’t Kayleigh and Alex good at listing names? – Ed.) Speaking of Lemons, there’s no contest on that front this week. Adam Sandler ‘comedy’ That’s My Boy, which is abhorrently offensive and doesn’t even have the decency to be funny with it, is to be avoided at all costs. This isn’t one of those “you have to see it to see how shockingly bad it is” films. It’s just bad. It’s so, so bad. If there’s someone you happen to hate this Wednesday afternoon, send them along; just don’t let anybody you care about see this film.

Orange Choice: Lawless
Ultimate Lemon: That’s My Boy


Rayne (not that one):
My Orange this week goes to Hope Springs (not to be confused with the dreadful Colin Firth rom-com of the same name). Meryl Streep should be all the reason anyone ever needs to see anything ever, but in the rare event that’s not enough for you, the film’s premise of a middle aged couple attempting to rejuvenate their sexless marriage looks like seldom covered territory. I’m picking Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina as my lemon I’m afraid. From what I understand, it’s largely set on a theatre stage, and whilst it all sounds wonderfully Brechtian and artsy and different, I have a feeling it will come across a bit too try hard. Plus Keira Knightley is in it, and I am afraid I haven’t quite recovered from the last time I had to sit through over an hour of her gurning and pouting so it’s thumbs down from me.

Orange Choice: Hope Springs
Ultimate Lemon: Anna Karenina


John (down at the old Bull and Bush):
In clear defiance of any sort of sense, this week my Orange is going up the apples and pears to hang out with The Sweeney, the latest unnecessary rehash of a dated cop show whose then-teenage fanbase are now old enough to spend lots of money on Blu-Rays. Ray Winstone is demonstrably worthless in whatever he does, but Ben ‘Plan B’ Drew has yet to touch anything which hasn’t turned to gold. Ill Manors, Harry Brown, that song about shagging a fourteen-year-old – it’s all brilliant, and I’m keeping the faith. I’ve also been religiously saving my vomit all the way through my recent tangle with food poisoning, because I’m planning a holiday to LA so I can pour it in Adam Sandler’s smug fucking spade of a face. If you go to see That’s My Boy then we are fucking through, you hear me? Through.

Orange Choice: The Sweeney
Ultimate Lemon: That’s My Boy


*Pretty much anything but Sandler, then. You have your orders! And if you decide not to go out at all, you could do worse than checking out our ace guest blog (from Mitch Benn, no less) on the forgotten virtues of the original Blade Runner…*

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