*We’ve conveniently missed out on Skyfall fever thanks to last week’s Star Wars bonanza, so at least people won’t be quacking on about it this week. Apart from Eli.*

Eli (freelance life-saver):
Here’s how much of a worthless human being I am: I’ve still not seen Skyfall. Not only that, I don’t know if I can be arsed at this point. How many times have I sat through the trailer? Hundreds. Watching the actual film is pretty much an afterthought now. Bond dies, comes back, meets Javier, London Underground action, some sort of oriental boat scene, he drinks Heineken. And Adele. The whole shebang was condensed for our viewing pleasure into three minutes of what looks like chronological action. I could relate a scene-by-scene breakdown and you’d never guess I was telling porkies. There are bigger fish to fry. Huge fish, in fact. With BFF HQ located in London, I’m taking the opportunity to catch the UK’s only 70mm screening of The Master this week (hopefully it’ll be working by the time I sit down). I can’t wait to have Joaquin’s twisted mug seared into my retinas. 007 will have to wait.

Orange Choice: The Master
Ultimate Lemon: Skyfall

John (trying to shake the feeling that he’s American):
This week my orange is more of an برتقال, which is apparently Arabic for ‘orange’, because I’m throwing my weight behind Argo. Ben Affleck is well on the way to proving his mettle as a director, and the true-ish story of a former CIA operative who devises an elaborate plan to smuggle US diplomats out of Tehran sounds like cracking fun. How d’you like them oranges? Meanwhile, my lemon will be slowly squeezed into Philip Seymour Hoffman’s stupid moustache in his guise as The Master. It’s not a bad film, but after all the hype I wish it had been – the sheer crushing alrightness of Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest is more disappointing than an out-and-out failure. Back to your corner, Joaquin, and hope that the wind didn’t change during filming.

Orange Choice: Argo
Ultimate Lemon: The Master

Vincent (fresh out of the Shire):
I cannot reiterate enough how amazing Amour is, and how ardently I wish never to see it again. The film is damn near perfect, I just can’t afford to lose that amount of bodily fluid through my tear ducts again. I actually had to pull myself together a couple of times, lest I started wailing in front of other, better-esteemed film journalists. It’s so refreshing to see a love story that isn’t about stupid undead teenagers thinking with their cocks. Orange of the week, maybe even of the year, but by God don’t say I didn’t warn you. [Ed: Amour isn’t actually out yet – nice one, Vincent – so we’ll just say Vincent wants to see The Sapphires. They’re about pretty much the same thing, right?] Silent Hill: Revelation gets the silent treatment from me. Lemon. Let’s leave it at that. Why, Sean Bean, WHY!?

Orange Choice: The Sapphires
Ultimate Lemon: Silent Hill: Revelation

Kayleigh (carving off knobs in all directions):
I know what I’m supposed to do this week. I’m supposed to give my orange to Argo, bang on about how bloody brilliant it’s going to be and then give my lemon to, oh I dunno… Rust and Bone, because it’s been really mean to whales apparently. Well, NOT THIS TIME, DICTATORS OF FILM! Instead, I’m giving my juicy Clementine to The Shining, because a) it’s still jaw-droppingly amazing, b) Room 237 has made me question what I know and c) Jack Nicholson is an official sex legend. My lemon goes to The Master, because (according to John Underwood) it is a mediocre film masquerading as a give-it-every-Oscar-ever film. John Underwood is always* right. SUCK ON THAT LEMON, MASTER FACE!

*Sometimes. Occasionally, at least.

Orange Choice: The Shining
Ultimate Lemon: The Master

Papa Neish (‘papa’ is Russian for ‘papa’, conveniently):
I finally saw Skyfall last night — or 007: Координаты Скайфолл, as it’s known here — and I can safely say that it’s the best James Bond movie I’ve seen since The World Is Not Enough. Despite not understanding ANY of the dialogue (honestly, who dubs Judi Dench?), the cinematography, score and set pieces were each strong enough to entertain me regardless. This week, my lemon goes to another film set largely in the UK, the utterly appalling-looking Astérix and Obélix: God Save Britannia 3D. [Ed: We don’t even know what that film is. Russia must be getting to Papa Neish…]

Orange Choice: Skyfall
Ultimate Lemon: Astérix and Obélix: God Save Britannia 3D

*Well, three out of five writers picking the right films isn’t too bad. Is it? See you next week!*